Save Me from Myself
by this-is-izzy
Summary: Clare's life is spinning out of control. Her parents are fighting 24/7 and now she must struggle with the secret of her rape. Suddenly Clare finds herself a totally different person and no one can recognize her. Can Eli help her get her life back? Eclare!
1. Prologue

Prologue:

I couldn't believe Ali had gotten me to come to this party. I didn't know anyone here. It was some football party at Drew's house but Adam wasn't here so O was sitting by myself in the corner watching people play Rockband.

"You look pretty lonely over here by yourself." A voice said. I looked up to see Fitz standing next to me. He was kind of smiling and sat down next to me on the couch.

"Yeah, well, I don't know anyone here so…" I mumbled in response. I wasn't too fond of him because of what he did to Eli. I finally saw a glimpse of Ali but then she disappeared back into the crowd of people before I could run and get her.

"Then why are you here?" Fitz asked and I rolled my eyes.

"Ali asked me too but she's with Drew." I explained. "Wait, why are you here?" I asked.

"My friend Owen is on the team but he's with the cheerleaders." Fitz replied. I couldn't believe I was sitting her, at a party, talking to Fitz. What had the world come to?

"I'm probably going to leave because I can think of something better to do." I grumbled and Fitz nodded.

"Why don't we get out of here together?" he asked. When I look back on that exact moment, I should have said no. But I guess at the time I didn't know any better or my judgment was cloudy; I'm not sure what it was. But whatever the case, I decided to get up and walk out the front door with Fitz. Then, I got into his car and waited to see where he would take us.

"Fitz, where are we going?" I asked wearily.

"Not sure; anywhere, everywhere." He replied and I suddenly got nervous. He pulled into a parking lot that I knew was next to the ravine. I, for some reason, followed him and sat next to him as he grabbed a beer and started chugging it.

After awhile, I was getting bored. We were just sitting there while he talked to people and drank. Oh, and he was _totally_ wasted. Sign number one that something was up.

"Hey, Fitz, it's kind of late so I'm going to head home." I said, standing and heading to the opening in the trees that led to the parking lot. I wasn't even halfway there when he grabbed my wrist and started pulling me back.

"You aren't going anywhere!" he yelled and pressed his lips to mine. I struggled against him but he was so much taller and stronger then me…

"Stop!" I cried but he didn't listen as he pulled us closer and closer to the beat up van where people hooked up. He slid the door open and pushed me inside and climbed in after me, locking the door before putting all of his weight on top of me and kissing me again.

Like I said, I should've said no.


	2. the Aftermath

The Aftermath:

I wasn't exactly sure when Fitz had left. Dry tears streaked my face and my skirt was somewhere but I couldn't find it. I finally found it and in a dazed state, I put it back on and opened the door. It was completely dark with a few people here and there but no Fitz. My legs felt kind of shaky when I stood but I started across the ravine to the parking lot so I could walk home. There was no way I could call Mom or Dad to come and pick me up. As I was walking, everything suddenly hit me and it finally sunk in what happened to me tonight. Fitz raped me. Tears filled my eyes and I began sobbing, dropping to my knees on the sidewalk and putting my head in my hands. I'm sure I looked like a mess. My hair was all over the place, I didn't have my shoes on and my shirt was ripped in some places that I had to cross my arms over my chest to cover.

I didn't hear the car pull up next to me but suddenly I heard a door close and footsteps walk around the car.

"Clare?" the voice sounded alarmed and I knew that voice anywhere. It was Eli. "What happened to you?"

"I'm fi-ine." I managed to gasp. Still sobbing, I turned away from Eli, hoping he would get the hint and go away. I took my head out of my hands and noticed the dried blood on my legs. I should've known that would happen.

"Obviously you're not." Eli said and kneeled down next to me, reaching his hand out for my shoulder. I moved away, sliding across the pavement. Eli froze; his hand outstretched and stared at me in awe. I could only imagine what he thought right now.

"Please leave me alone." I said my voice shaky and quiet. I started to stand but my legs gave out and I collapsed, falling towards the ground. Eli put out his arms and caught me before cradling me in his arms.

"Clare, what happened?" he asked quietly and looked me over. When he finally figured it out, I could have sworn I saw a light bulb over his head click on. I started to cry again and my arms started to work as I gripped onto Eli with all of my energy. He hugged me closer, telling me it would be okay.

"Please don't leave me here," I cried. "I can't be alone."

"I won't, I promise. But Clare, you have to tell me what happened." Eli answered and I nodded, pulling my head off of his shoulder so I could look at him. He had tears in his eyes and his face was so serious.

"I was at the party for the football team and Fitz showed up and we both said how bored we were so we left together and he took me to the ravine and he got drunk and then he…he…" I couldn't say it out loud. Eli took in a sharp breath and pulled me back into a hug.

"I'll kill him, I swear." He mumbled. I shook my head, before pulling my head away to look at him.

"You can't tell anyone." I whispered and his eyes grew wide.

"Clare-" he started but I cut him off.

"Eli, promise!" I shouted and he nodded, mumbling that he wouldn't tell anyone until I said it was okay. Then I remembered my parents. They probably were too busy fighting to realize I wasn't home yet. Mom was probably out with her friends at some wine tasting and Dad was with his friends at a bar watching the game. The odd thing was, I didn't want to go home. I _couldn't _go home.

"We have to get you home." Eli said, helping me up and directing me to Morty, my arm around his shoulder.

"I can't go home. My parents aren't there and I can't be alone." I explained.

"We'll go to Ali's then." He suggested but I shook my head. It was too late and her parents probably wouldn't let me in without an explanation and I couldn't tell them of all people. "Well, where can I take you?"

"Just take me anywhere." I mumbled as Eli put me in the car. I was on the verge of passing out and my body ached in so many places. I just wanted to sleep, to forget. Eli nodded and he got into the car, pulling onto the road. We hadn't been driving for five minutes when I totally blacked out.


	3. Feeling safe

When I woke up, I had no idea where I was. I looked around to find I was in a room with band posters everywhere, a huge stereo system and I was lying on a bed with a black and purple comforter.

And I was completely alone.

I panicked, sitting up and jumping from the bed. My legs weren't as shaky as before so it was a bit easier to stand. I heard a television on so I opened the door and followed where the sound was coming from. I walked down the stairs and into a living room to find Eli sitting on a couch, flipping through channels on a small T.V. _So, _I thought to myself. _This is Eli's house. _

There weren't a lot of pictures on the walls and the kitchen was on the left of the stairs. I didn't know what to do so I just walked down the rest of the staircase and waited for Eli to notice I was standing here. He finally stood up to get something, freezing when he saw me standing there.

"Clare, I didn't know you were awake." He whispered.

"Yeah, I just woke up." I whispered back. My throat hurt for some reason and I was still in my dirty, torn clothing. I wanted to get a shower so badly but I had no clothes. Eli must have read my thoughts because he took my hand and led me back upstairs to his room. He handed me an old tee shirt, some sweatpants and a pair of boxers. I looked at him for a minute, and then tried to put on a smile but I'm sure it looked tortured and broken. "Thank you, Eli." I said.

"Bathroom's third door down on the right." Eli explained and I took off down the hall, not saying another word.

After the shower, I didn't feel much better. Sure, I was clean but I couldn't shake the feeling that I had. I looked at myself in the mirror, surprised. I looked exactly the same. It was weird but I always thought afterwards I'd look different, like people would be able to tell. But I looked like the same old, boring Clare. But then again, I hadn't done it by choice. I had a sudden flash of everything and I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for it to go away.

It didn't make a sense. I was a good person. I got good grades, went to church, was nice to everyone I knew. Things like this don't happen to good people! I was suddenly angry, so angry I wanted to scream. How could he do this to me? He took everything from me! All of my values and morals went right out the window. I remembered how Darcy had felt and acted when this had happened to her so many years ago. I wanted to call her but I didn't have a number for her and it would cost a lot to call long distance from my cell. I sank down onto the floor and just sat there, staring at the wall for what seemed like hours. There was a knock at the door and a worried Eli on the other side.

"Clare, are you okay in there?" he asked. I didn't even open my mouth to answer. I heard the door open and watched as Eli came and sat down next to me on the floor. "How are you?"

"Do you have to ask?" I mumbled and he nodded.

"You know, you should tell someone." He answered flatly and I shook my head.

"When this happened to Darcy, I promised myself and my parents that I wouldn't be reckless and that I would never let it happen to me. And now look at me." I knew I was going to start crying again.

"Clare, you weren't being reckless! You were _raped. _It's not like you asked for it or did it of your own free will." Eli assured me.

"This will destroy my parents more then they already are. No one can know. I have school to focus on and everything. This will all be in the past one day." I said, not taking my eyes off the wall.

"Fitz deserves to be put away for what he did to you! Clare, you are in such denial. He could go to jail for this and if you don't say anything then he could do it to another girl. Please, tell someone." Eli's voice was rising and the tears finally spilled over. He looked at me like I just shot him in the leg or something. "Don't cry, Clare. It'll be okay."

"Why did this happen to me? What did I ever do?" I cried, looking at Eli. Eli shrugged.

"It always happens to the best of us." He whispered in response. We didn't talk much after that. I called my Mom and told her I was sleeping over at Ali's for the weekend and then called Ali to fill her in on the plan. She asked where I was and why I was lying to my parents but I ignored her, telling her I would explain when I could and that I was at Eli's. She made a joke at that but I brushed it off before hanging up. Then, Eli made me grilled cheese and oven French fries which I downed in five minutes. I was still totally exhausted so Eli offered to sleep on the couch so I could sleep in his room. It felt nice to have someone there to take care of me. As I drifted off to sleep all I could think about was going to school on Monday and what would happen when I saw him.

**I am so sorry it took me so long to update! School started and I have marching band three times a week with games starting this Friday. So, I'm going to try to update sooner. I'm happy I have band cause I need something to keep my mind off the fact that we have to wait till fall for Degrassi to come back on =(**


	4. School

**I am so sorry it took me so long to update! School and colorguard and hw are taking up most of my time these days. Yay for high school ****=/**

Monday morning:

There was no way I could do this. How could I go into school and act like nothing happened? How could I go in there and see _him _and pretend that nothing happened? I knew that this was going to be tough but skipping school and acting out would cause questions that I didn't want to answer. Questions that I _couldn't _answer. I was walking up the stairs when a pair of hands covered my eyes and I let out a terrified scream, practically jumping from my skin.

"Whoa, Clare, calm down." Ali laughed and I turned to look at her, giving her a glare. If only she knew. "I didn't hear from you all weekend and you totally went missing at the party."

"I didn't feel good so I went home and I was sick most of the weekend." I lied, turning back around and continuing up the stairs towards the door. Ali followed and stopped me with a worried look on her face.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine, Ali. I just have a big test today and I need to find Eli." I said and pushed past her, taking off down the hallway. She didn't follow me this time and I was thankful for it. I wondered in the halls until I found Eli at his locker. I walked up to him quietly and tapped his shoulder. He turned to me and his face softened.

"Clare…"

"I wanted to say thank you for everything this weekend. You really helped me through…" I stopped and Eli suddenly turned angry but he wasn't staring at me, he was staring past me. "What is it?" I asked and turned to look in the direction he was staring and I almost dropped dead. _He _was walking down the hallway and when he saw Eli and me staring he stopped and looked at me before winking and continuing down the hall.

I became horribly nauseas and I began to sway before leaning against the locker for support. Eli spun around to start after Fitz but I weakly grabbed his arm and made a small squeaking noise. He froze in place before turning to face me with a upset look on his face.

"Clare, you can't let him get away with it." Eli whispered but I shook my head.

"I can't deal with this now." I shrugged Eli's words off and stood up straight and walking away. Eli didn't follow and I quickly made my way to the small courtyard and sat down, head in my hands.

"You look sad, maybe I can help." A voice said and cold chills raced down my spine. I slowly lifted my head up to see Fitz standing in the doorway with a smirk. I wanted to scream but I knew no sound would come out.

"Get the hell away from me." I whispered but Fitz came closer to me and I stood, backing up to the other side of the room.

"Aw, Clare, don't be like that. Didn't you have fun the other night?" he asked and my jaw hit the floor.

"Fun? Fitz, you…" I trialed off because I couldn't say the words.

"I didn't do anything, Clare and you know it. You wanted me to do it and I was just happy to help." Fitz shrugged and came so close to me that I was completely pressed against the wall and his face was almost right in mine. Tears filled my eyes and I begged God for him to just leave and never come back. I looked away and tried to slip away but Fitz trapped me with his arms and I let out a small squeak.

"You know you did something to me! I never told you that I wanted to sleep with you." I tried but Fitz laughed.

"You didn't have to. My only hope is that we can do it again sometime." Fitz winked and pushed off the wall and walked out of the courtyard.

I was never going to make it through this, was I?


	5. KC and drugs

**Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. So who loves all the Eli and Clare action this season? **

As soon as Fitz was out of sight, I grabbed my bag and sprinted down the hallway and out the door. As soon as I walked out the exit, I regretted it. Bianca, K.C. and some kid I didn't know where smoking and drinking behind the dumpsters. I went to turn and walk the other way but Bianca shouted at me.

"Well isn't it St. Clare? Well, I guess you're not much of a saint anymore, are you?" Bianca laughed and I guessed she knew. Of course she knew, Fitz and her were best friends.

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about." I replied with anger. Tears were working there way up as I turned back around and began to walk away. A hand came down on my shoulder and spun me around. K.C. looked down at me with sadness in his eyes.

"Clare, what's wrong? You seem really upset." He asked. I wanted to laugh in his face and then kick him in the shin. Since when did he care? When has he ever given a though about me?

"It's nothing, K.C. Go back to your friends and smoke your freaking joints and drink your freaking vodka and leave me along." I pushed his hand off of my shoulder.

"Whoa, Clare, what's going on? I've never seen you like this." K.C. said.

"I kind of like the bitchy side of Clare." Bianca chimed in. "Want a joint?" I could have just said no thanks, screw you guys and walked away. I didn't believe in underage drinking and smoking anything. But I've learned over the past few days that saying no was pointless and did nothing and I didn't believe in morals or beliefs anymore so why try to pull away? I looked up at K.C. who frowned down at me before I pushed past him and took the joint from the new kid's hand.

"Clare, what are you-" K.C. started to say but I cut him off.

"Can you just shut up for like, two minutes, K.C.?" I growled and Bianca and the new kid giggled. I would find out later the new kid's name was Dean and was from Pennsylvania and was a lot like Eli except his hair was brown and short and he had blue eyes. I put the joint to my lips and breathe in. The smoke tasted sweet but in a weird way and I swallowed, causing me to cough my lungs up. I took another hit through, just to look cool and Bianca raised her eyebrows at me.

"Wow, Clare. You sure are taking a lot." She said and took a small hit before passing it to K.C. My vision became odd as the drugs kicked in and I started laughing. I had heard you act strange when you're high but no one ever said you felt like air. I felt like nothing, like at any moment I would just lift up and float away. I grabbed onto a dumpster to make sure that didn't happen and then realized what I was doing and began laughing some more.

"Are you new at this?" Dean asked as he took another hit and passed it back to me.

"Yeah, how can you tell?" I gasped and grabbed the joint before dropping it because my hands felt like jell-o.

"You're giggly and what not." He answered and I had noticed Bianca and K.C. were gone. When did that happen? Dean was moving closer to me and I felt really panicked all of the sudden, like something was going to happen again.

"I'm having fun and all but I should go." I whispered and took off towards the front of the building. When I was halfway there, the final bell rang and students poured into the hallway. I had all my books, so it was easier to wait for Eli by the hearse. When he finally got to his car with Adam, it must have been the drugs that came over me. I reached up and put my hand behind Eli's neck, bringing his face to meet mine and I kissed him. He seemed taken aback because it took him a couple of minutes before he began kissing me back.

"Um, hello, I'm still here." Adam said and Eli stopped, pulling away and I giggled.

"Clare, are you okay?" Eli asked with a weird look.

"I don't know, you tell me!" I laughed and leaned on the hearse for support.

"Jesus Christ, are you high?"


	6. Advil

"Jesus Christ, are you high?" Eli screamed and I covered his mouth, giggling feverishly.

"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not." I whispered and Adam just looked at me with shock. It took me a minute to remember he had no idea what was going on.

"Clare, why would you go and do something like that? Isn't that against like, everything you believe in?" Adam asked and Eli's eyes widened, waiting for my reply.

"Well, Adam, to tell you the truth I don't believe in shit anymore." I said and Adam's eyes grew wider before Eli pulled me around to the other side of the hearse. He looked so worried and a small hint of sobriety poked through and I remembered everything that had happened in the last couple of days. Eli had been my rock and was just trying to help.

"Okay, what happened between first period and now?" Eli asked and I sighed, not wanting to tell him about Fitz and I talking or the fact that I got high with K.C. I thought and picked my words carefully before I opened my mouth.

"Well, I was in the courtyard and Fitz came in and was talking to me and I just got a little bit upset and then when I went outside, I saw some people smoking so I decided to join them. Eli, it's no big deal." I said and Eli's face darkened, anger washing over him. He was obviously angry about the whole 'Fitz talking to me' thing. I instinctively grabbed his arm and held on tight, scarred he would go find Fitz and cause trouble. I mean, look how well that turned out before? Eli almost got stabbed!

"He talked to you? He shouldn't even be _near _you." Eli growled but I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Its okay, Eli, I won't talk to him again. Now, can we go home and work on our English project?" I asked and Eli looked at the ground and nodded. I smiled as Eli opened the door for me. Eli then turned to Adam and waved his goodbyes, Adam nodding and heading over to where Drew waited for him by his car.

I guess you could say I was still high because when Eli started the car and raced out of the parking lot, everyone and everything blended together. All the colors I saw became one and it was like a big tie-dye world. It was kind of like all the colors they show when people get high in movies. I was giggling and trying to catch little dust particle when I turned to look at Eli. I saw he was smiling at me and laughing himself.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing, it's just that it's weird to see you laughing. I miss it." Eli said. I sighed, knowing that later tonight after the drugs were out of my system, I had to go home to my parents. They were still fighting and there was nothing I could do. I had been talking to Darcy a lot more on the phone and she said she was going to be coming home soon so I'd have someone with me in the house of hell.

"I do too."

"Okay, I think I've done enough homework." Eli sighed, leaning back against his headboard. I sighed in agreement, taking another sip of the Alka-Seltzer water Eli got for me. The buzz from the joint had worn off almost an hour ago and I had the biggest migraine of my life. I had taken three Advil and I was still holding my head. Eli put an arm around me and pulled me closer.

"This'll teach you not to do drugs." He laughed and I punched his arm, giving him a look.

"I know it's bad and all, but now I know why people do them. When I was high, I felt as light as air and everything seemed completely unimportant. I wanted it to stay like that forever." I whispered and Eli nodded.

"I had tried pot once and it was like I had never lived before. It all felt so…right. But, luckily my parents beat my ass for coming home stoned." Eli looked down at me and I snuggled closer to him, letting out a small laugh. He was my safe haven. No one or nothing could touch me when I was with him. His humor made me forgot everything that was happening with my parents and Fitz.

Well, as much as I could forget.


	7. Smokes and sex

**Sorry it took me so long DX**

It was six thirty when my mom called Eli's house and said I had to go home. I sat on Eli's bed, staring at the floor, wishing she would call back and say I could stay.

"Clare, you have to leave eventually. Your parents will send out a search squad." Eli laughed.

"They probably wouldn't notice. They'd be fighting too much to care." I whispered and Eli put his hand on my cheek and turned me to face him.

"They love you, Clare. Just because they don't get along doesn't mean they don't love you." He whispered and I nodded. He was right. Just because they had fallen out of love didn't mean they didn't love me anymore. I grabbed my backpack and stood, walking towards the door, Eli right behind me. I stopped in my tracks, whirling around and pressing my lips to his. He was surprised at first, but eventually he was kissing me back, wrapping his arms around me. This was the first time we'd kissed since the incident and I'd forgotten how nice it felt. Eli's kisses were like sugar; sweet and you couldn't get enough.

"Clare, you have to go. Your mom's going to flip if you're late," Eli said but something in me was telling me to stay so I kept kissing Eli, moving my way to his neck. "Clare, seriously." He laughed.

"I am being serious," I murmured. Soon enough, Eli and I were back on his bed. It was getting pretty heated and I was so caught up in the moment, I didn't even realize that I was reaching Eli's belt.

"Whoa, Clare! What are you doing?" Eli asked, looking at me like I'd gone nuts.

"I thought you'd want this. I'm ready to sleep with you, Eli." I said and his eyes widened.

"No, Clare, no you aren't." he whispered and stood up.

"You don't know what I'm ready for Eli! I've already done it, you've already done it. What's getting in our way?" I asked, getting angry.

"You didn't do it willingly and you're too unstable for this. Clare, you haven't even told anyone the truth yet." Eli snapped back and I stood, grabbing my things and heading for the door.

"Well, if that's how you feel," I said, tears stinging my eyes and I slammed his door behind me and fled down the stairs, ignoring his calls as I stepped out into the street and began to walk to opposite way of my house. Screw going home and screw Eli. Nobody knew what I was and wasn't ready for. Nobody knew _me. _Tears welled in my eyes as I raced home and I wasn't looking when I started to cross the street, almost getting hit by a car going way too fast down the road. The window rolled down and the new kid, Dean, was sitting in the driver's seat. He smirked before turning the volume on his music down and beckoning me to come closer.

"Hey, Clare, so sorry I didn't see you coming. I almost hit you!" He laughed giddily and I knew he was either drunk or high.

"No problem, I wasn't watching where I was going," I shrugged and watched as he grabbed a smoke and a bottle of beer from the back seat. "Hey, can I get a ride with you?" I asked nervously. I knew better then to get into a car with somebody that was high and/or drunk but the new Clare didn't care what happened to her and wanted to live life dangerously. Dean nodded and unlocked the door and I opened it, getting in and grabbing a cigarette from their spot on the dashboard. I lit in and Dean watched as I put it to my lips, breathing in the smoke and trying not to cough.

"Rumor has it you're a goody two shoes." Dean raised an eyebrow.

"I used to be…" I sighed and took another drag from the cigarette.

"What happened?" he asked curiously and I seriously considered telling him the truth. He probably wouldn't tell. Hell, he was probably to high and drunk to remember by morning. But as I was about to say it, I caught myself and came up with another excuse.

"Family troubles, boy troubles and all that shit." I lied and he nodded.

"Same, my parents got divorced cause my mom caught my dad with two girls…at once." He shrugged and I felt bad, lying to him. "It's hard to forget sometimes." I looked over at him. He was really cute and I had to sudden urge to kiss him. Eli had rejected me and the new and improved Clare would do anything she wanted, despite people's feelings. So I decided to go for it.

"I can help you forget." I whispered and pulled his face to mine, kissing him. He wrapped his arms around me and started to pull me into the back seat and I had to tell myself not to panic. Once we were comfortable and I was securely under him, his hands began to wander. I let him, deciding it felt good. I tugged at his shirt and I opened my eyes as his lips moved lower and lower. The windows of the car were all fogged and I wanted to laugh. That had only seemed to happen in movies so that you knew someone was fooling around. Things were speeding up and every nerve of me was saying yes but my heart was saying no. The only reason I kept going was because my parents would hate this.


	8. Say goodbye, Clarebear

When it was over, Dean gathered his clothes and went to the front seat to have a smoke. I sighed, rolling onto my side and watching as he tried to get his jeans on, hitting the horn several times with his knees.

It was better then the first time, the sex. Only because I wasn't in any pain and I wasn't being forced too. It felt good and Dean was pretty nice. I mean, he could tell I was inexperienced but he didn't mind. I thought having sex again would bring back that night and it kind of did but now that I had a better experience, I wasn't as scared about losing my virginity and if Fitz stayed away and no one mentioned it, I could just forget it happened and move on. I kind of already was. As I watched him smoke his cigarette, I realized what I'd done. I just cheated on Eli with a guy I barely knew. I mean, I had always wanted my first time to be with Eli and when Fitz rapped me I wasn't sure what I would do but now I was just sleeping around!

"So, we should do this again some time." Dean smirked, snapping me from my thoughts.

"I don't think so," I said and he gave me an odd look. "I have a boyfriend and I had wanted to earlier but he rejected me so I was upset and all riled up and then you came by and I just…"

"You used me for my body. I totally get it, I do it all the time." He laughed and I sighed, happy that he wasn't going to freak out. I put my clothes back on as he drove me to my house. I was giving him the directions as I fixed myself up so my parents wouldn't notice anything. When we pulled up to my house, I realized no one was home. Mom had wanted me home and now no one was here.

"Thanks for the ride." I smiled and opened the door. As I was getting out, Dean grabbed my arm. I turned around to see him looking up at me with his bright, blue eyes.

"If it doesn't work out with your boyfriend, I'm here." He winked and let me go. I slammed the door and he sped off, making a sharp turn and almost taking out a couple trash cans. Even though I had just slept with the guy, the idea of being his boyfriend made me gag. I could only see myself dating Eli. I trudged into the house and up to my room, thinking about today. I felt so bad, cheating on Eli, and I wanted to call him right now and tell him everything.

No, I told myself. If he found out I cheated on him, he would break up with me and I couldn't afford to lose him. He has been here for everything and if he left, I'd lose it. What are you talking about, I told myself. You already have!

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" I screamed in frustration, kicking over my desk chair and sitting on my floor, breaking into sobs. How could I have let this happen? One mistake and I was spiraling into a downward depression. But hey, who cared as long as I was away from my parents and Fitz and with Eli? I realized just then that I wanted to do whatever I wanted. If I wanted to smoke, I would smoke. If I wanted to drink, I'd grab a bottle of vodka (no one would miss it). If I wanted to have sex, I'd find a guy who would keep quiet and was willing if Eli wasn't.

I was ready to embrace the new and improved Clare.

**Sorry for the short chapter but when I got to this point, I thought it would be a good ending. I'll try to update soon! **


	9. Accidents happen

The next day:

I walked down the halls, watching people turn and stare. They were probably taken aback by my appearance because I didn't look like I usually did. I was wearing a black mini skirt, black high heel boots and the sluttiest red shirt I could find. And it was _sluty. _The only part that was made of tee shirt material was the part that covered my boobs. The rest was mesh and fish net.

I swished my hips in an attempt to look hotter and smiled when I came to Eli's locker. He was looking for something and when I leaned on the locker next to him, he looked at me before doing a double take and his jaw dropped to the floor.

"Hey, Eli. What's up?" I asked, putting a flirty look on my face. He grabbed a hoodie from his locker and threw it over me.

"Clare, you look really cold. Would you like my hoodie?" Eli asked, looking around at all the ogling boys in the hallway. I pushed it off my shoulders and handed it back to Eli.

"No thanks, it's really hot in here, isn't it?" I smirked and Eli's eyes widened.

"Clare, what are you wearing?" Eli asked, leaning in closer and whispering in my ear.

"Don't you like it?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Clare, don't do this. Come on, put the hoodie on and I'll take you home so you can change." Eli said. I grabbed the hoodie and slipped it on, zipping it up.

"Fine, let's go." I started down the hallway, Eli behind me. As we were passing in the parking lot, Dean and Bianca passed us. Dean winked at me and I suddenly felt like Eli would figure everything out. He would know I had sex with Dean. I ignored him and Eli gave him a dark look, thinking Dean was hitting on me. Then, Eli floored it out of the parking lot.

"Clare, hurry up. We have to get back to school." Eli called from downstairs. I sighed, taking another sip of the vodka hidden under my bed. I was feeling a bit buzzed but it felt good. "Clare?" Eli's voice was right outside my door.

"Come in," I slurred. Eli came in to see me sitting on my bed in a tee shirt, taking a swig of vodka. "Want a sip?"

"Clare, what the _hell _are you doing?" Eli asked in horror. He didn't even see the pack of cigarettes on my desk that Dean had given me when he dropped me off last night. Something about the way Eli looked at me sobered me up for a minute and I dropped the bottle of vodka on my floor, the glass shattering everywhere.

"Oh, shit!" I whispered and I dropped to my knees, picking up the glass with shaky hands. I picked up an especially sharp piece and it slit open my hand, blood oozing from the cut. I had a flash of myself a couple days ago, in Eli's bathroom, washing the blood from my legs. I yelled out and stood, pressing myself against the wall and away from the glass and Eli. Eli stopped picking up the glass and looked at me, his eyes widening.

"Clare, are you okay?" he asked, even though he knew he didn't have to. I took a deep breath and stepped around Eli, wandering into my bathroom to clean off the cut on my hand. I grabbed a big bandage and placed it over the cut, wincing from the sting of the rubbing alcohol. Even though it hurt, it felt good just like drinking the vodka. There was a knock at the door and I jumped, knocking over the bandages and peroxide. "Clare, open up."

"No, I need to be alone. Can you leave?" I asked.

"I'm not leaving you by yourself. Clare, I just found you sucking down vodka and you just slit your hand open. Just, please, open the door." Eli sounded exasperated, like he was tired of asking me the same things.

"Come in." I sighed, sitting down on the edge of the bathtub and rubbing the band-aid with my finger. Eli opened the door and came and sat next to me, putting his arm around me. I tensed and Eli immediately dropped his arm.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. Tears were blurring my vision and I wanted them to go away. I was so sick of crying all the time.

"What are you sorry for?" Eli looked at me like I was being ridiculous.

"For snapping at you yesterday because you wouldn't have sex with me. It wasn't fair of me to do that. You were just doing what you thought was right." I shrugged and Eli rolled his eyes.

"Clare, you're going through a lot. You don't have to be sorry for anything." Eli said, giving me a kiss on the cheek. I had the sudden urge to tell him that I had sex with someone else and was making a habit of smoking. But I pushed the words back down and decided it wasn't the right time to tell him. I turned and gave Eli a small kiss on the lips.

"Thank you, Eli."


	10. News

**So I'm already thinking about ideas for how this story will end. If you have any suggestions, message me or leave a review. Thanks!**

Eli and I stayed home the rest of the day, cuddling on the couch and watching movies. I wasn't allowed to go to the kitchen by myself because Eli feared I was going to spike my soda or pour vodka into a glass and say it was water. I guess I couldn't blame him.

"Clare," Eli said randomly during the epic ending to _The Covenant _**(A/N: Taylor Kitsch is gorgeous 3) **"What else have you been doing?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, panic slipping out with my words. Did he know?

"I mean, you were high the other day and I found you chugging vodka today. What else have you been doing?" he asked. _Having sex with someone else and smoking at least six cigarettes a day, _I wanted to say. But I held it in.

"Nothing, Eli. The drinking _just started _and the getting high was a one time thing." I shrugged and Eli looked at me before looking back at the screen, where the credits were scrolling.

"I trust you," Eli whispered and kissed my forehead. "What movie do you want to watch next?"

"We don't _have _to watch a movie…" I suggested. "We could do something else." I smiled. Eli smiled too and put his lips to mine, pushing me back to lie on the couch. His hands slid from my shoulders to my hips and his lips roamed my face and neck. I toyed with his hair and closed my eyes, happy to be with Eli. I'm not _exactly _sure what it was but suddenly, I had flashes of that night.

Fitz on top of me.

Me saying no over and over again.

Fitz holding me down as he took advantage of me.

Lying alone in the van after Fitz had finished with me.

My eyes snapped open and I gasped, chills spilling up my spine. Eli kept going and I suddenly felt like it was hard to breathe, the walls closing in on me. Tears filled my eyes and I felt like I was helpless, like it was all going to happen again.

"No, no, no!" I screamed, pushing Eli off of me and sitting up, sliding over the arm of the couch and standing up, my heart racing.

"Clare, it's okay. I'm not going to do anything you don't want to." Eli said, after he stood up from his spot of the floor where he'd fallen.

"I-I'm sorry." I said, my voice cracking and I broke down, tears spilling over and I was kneeling on the floor, sobbing my eyes out. Eli came over next to me but I pushed him away. He sat down a few feet from me and watched as I cried, handing me tissues when I asked.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked a few minutes later. I shook my head.

"No, just stay here for a little bit longer. At least until my mom gets home." I managed to say and Eli just nodded, going to the kitchen and coming back with a glass of water. I gulped it down and took a few deep breaths.

"Clare, I know I've said this before, but you need to tell someone about what that asshole did to you. You can't live your life keeping this a secret. It'll eat you alive." Eli said, taking my hand and holding it.

"I know but I'm not ready to tell everyone yet." I said, scooting closer to Eli and placing my head on his shoulder.

"Whenever you're ready." He said.

"You're the best boyfriend ever." I whispered. Eli shrugged; the movement making my head jostle around.

"I know." Eli said nonchalantly. I laughed and suddenly, everything was back to normal.

Eli left when my mom called and said she was on her way home from work. I gave him a kiss on the cheek as he left and told him I'd call him later. After I was sure he was gone, I raced upstairs and grabbed my cigarettes, lighting up and smoking a couple. I also took a shot of the tequila in my mom's liquor closet.

"Clare, I'm home!" I heard my mom call. I rushed downstairs, grateful that I was going to be able to see my mom. We've been missing each other and I actually missed her when my dad wasn't in the house.

"Hey, mom!" I called and pulled her into a hug. She hugged me back and smiled at me when I pulled away.

"We have a special guest for dinner." She said and I looked at her funny.

"Who," I asked. "Wait, where's dad?"

"Well, you're father is staying at your Aunt Helen's for a little while. But the guest for dinner is a friend from work. He lives by himself and gets lonely often so I thought I'd invite him over for dinner." Mom explained and I finally realized that there was someone sitting in the living room. My mom motioned for him to come into the kitchen.

"Hello, you must be Clare. I'm Brian." The man said and gave me his hand. I shook it and smiled.

"We bought some dinner on the way home so if you could just get some plates, we'll be ready to eat!" Mom said excitedly and motioned for us all to sit in the dining room. After awhile, there was silence. No one was saying a word and it was really awkward. Finally, I stood.

"Um, I'm going to go get a drink." I said and walked to the kitchen to grab a can of Coke. While I was looking through the fridge, I heard giggling. I walked quietly to the doorway and hide behind it so I could see everything, but no one could see me. Brian and my mom had moved closer and they were getting cuddly. Then, right in front of me, Brian kissed my mom. And she kissed him back. I jumped out from my hiding spot.

"What the hell?" I asked and mom and Brian jumped apart.

"Clare, watch your language!" Mom shouted.

"Uh, you're the one kissing a random guy when you're married." I exclaimed.

"Clare, you don't understand the situation." Mom said and Brian looked uncomfortable.

"Oh, please explain." I shouted. It bounced off the walls and echoed through out the house.

"Clare, you're father and I are getting a divorce. We're just waiting for the papers to be finalized." Mom said. I looked around before turning and sprinting out of the house.


	11. Break down, break up

**So this is a really long chapter because I had a lot to put in it =)**

I'm not sure how long I ran but before I knew it I was at the ravine. I looked around, wondering if I would see anyone I knew. Since it was a Friday, there were a lot of people but it was dark so I couldn't make out any faces. Finally, I saw Dean sitting with Bianca and K.C. Walking over to the group, I nervously scanned for Fitz but there was no sign of him.

"Hey, guys." I said when I finally reached them.

"Hey," Dean said, sitting up straighter and a twinkle lighting in his eye. _Shit, _I thought angrily. _He probably likes me! _"We were just about to light up and crack open a six pack. Care to join?"

"Sure!" I said without thinking. I sat down next to Dean and K.C. as Bianca slinked her way to the van with some guy I'd never seen before. I took the beer K.C. offered me and took a long gulp.

"Clare, you look like you've been crying. Are you okay?" Dean asked. I nodded and smiled, trying to reassure everyone that I was, in fact, okay (well, not really). After the joint was finally lit, I took a big drag and smiled as the high started to come over me. This was the second time I'd tried pot and I really loved it. I'm not sure why people were so against it. After each bottle of beer and each hit from the joints and cigarettes, I finally began to forget about my mom and Brian, slipping into a state of happiness.

I can't tell how long I was dancing. Someone had brought a giant stereo system and was blasting music and everyone was dancing. I was dancing with both Dean and K.C. but it was Dean who finally asked.

"So, you never told me why you were upset earlier." Dean asked quietly.

"Well, my mom comes home and brings some guy with her that she says she works with and he's all lonely. So I said okay, if the guy has no life. Well, I go to get a drink and I come back and they're kissing. Then, when I asked what was going on, she tells me my parents are a week or two away from officially being divorced. And she didn't tell me!" I shouted and I was suddenly so angry, I wanted to punch someone.

"Clare, I'm so sorry." Dean said and pulled me into a hug. I thought of earlier, when Eli and I were making out on the couch. What was he doing right now? Was he at home, worrying about me? Or was he out with Adam, looking at new comics? I wanted to go and find him but Dean was pulling me close to him for a slow song. I knew this song. It was '_Disenchanted' _by My Chemical Romance. Eli loved My Chemical Romance. I pressed closer to Dean and closed my eyes, listening to the slightly familiar words.

_"If I'm so wrong, how can you listen all night long? Now will it matter after I'm gone because you never learn a god damn thing…" _

I suddenly wanted to get out of there. This was the song that was playing the first time Eli and I made out in his car. It was also the first time I considered doing anything past that with a boy because I realized I loved Eli. But, of course, I was afraid to tell him. I _still _hadn't told him. I pushed away from Dean and walked quickly from the group of people dancing. He followed eagerly and grabbed my arm.

"Clare, what's wrong now?" he asked.

"That song made me think about Eli." I said and Dean looked away sadly. I knew he wanted me to dump Eli for him but I knew I would only get hurt in the end if I made that decision. Well, wasn't I going to get hurt either way?

"I can help you forget." He whispered and pressed his lips to my ear, making me shiver. I realized that I didn't even really _like _Dean. He was a jerk. Sure he was cute and really good at sex but was that what really mattered?

"Let's go to your car." I said.

"What about the van, it's right there?" Dean asked.

"No!" I shouted, remembering the last time I was in there. There was no way I was reliving that. "Let's just go to the car." We walked quickly to the car and slid in the backseat, Dean already pulling down my zipper. The flashbacks came back after a minute, but I quickly pushed them down and forcing my eyes open to stare at the roof of the car.

I'm not sure how long we were in the car; time is unimportant. I was giggling when Dean and I opened the door because he was tickling me, trying to convince me to stay in the car a bit longer.

"No, Dean, I have to get home!" I laughed and remembered that I actually _did _have to get home and face mom and maybe dad. That would be fun.

"Come on, Clare. Please." He begged and I hit his arm.

"No, and its bad enough we're together in public. Someone might see me and tell-"

"Clare?" Eli asked, looking between Dean and I. I moved away from the car a bit and Dean just sat there, looking at Eli with a stupid grin on his face.

"Eli, this isn't what it looks like." I tried but Eli was already storming away back towards the hearse where Adam sat in the front seat, looking at Eli with a confused look on his face. When he was almost to the car, he whirled around to face me, tears running down his face.

"Then tell me what it is because it sure as hell looks like you're cheating on me!" Eli screamed, his voice breaking at the end. I was silent. There was no way to cover this up or defend it. He had caught me. "How long?" he finally asked.

"Eli, that's not impor-"

"How long?" he yelled.

"Since the night I left your house because you wouldn't have sex with me." I whispered. Eli let out a small noise and put his head in his hands.

"Clare, that was almost a month ago! You've been cheating on me for a month?" Eli asked.

"I'm so, so sorry." I cried. I knew Eli would forgive me because he understood more then anyone what was going on with me. He _would_ forgive me…right?

"I don't want to hear your apologies. I wouldn't sleep with you after you'd been _raped _so you went and found a random guy to sleep with? This combined with the drinking and the smoking and the drugs…I don't know who you are anymore, Clare. I feel for a sweet, nice, pretty, funny girl who was so pure and innocent that it was just what I needed to help me." Eli ranted.

"Eli, I'm still that girl." I sobbed but Eli shook his head.

"No, no you're not. Clare, I…I can't do this. I'm sorry." Eli said, getting into the car and speeding off towards the main road, probably filling Adam in on everything. I stood there for a minute, letting it all sink in. Eli just dumped me. Eli and I are over, done. A hand rested on my shoulder and I turned to see Dean looking at me with sad eyes.

"That was harsh. I'm sorry." Dean whispered and handed me a cigarette, as if this would solve my problems. I grabbed it and lit it, pushing past Dean and going back into the ravine.


	12. Why

After another can of beer and a kiss on the cheek from Dean, I started for home. Dean offered to drive me but I told him I could use the time to get some air and sober up before facing my parents.

"You might need some alcohol and drugs in your system to face off with them." Dean had said but I brushed off the comment and left without another word. On the way home, I thought about Eli. How could I face him now? He just dumped me because he caught me cheating on him right when I need him most. I was spiraling downward. A month ago, I would have never even thought of acting like this. I would have frowned upon anyone doing so and here I was, walking down the street after drinking, smoking and having sex.

"What the hell have I done to myself?" I asked out loud. But then I remembered that it wasn't my fault. It was mom and dads fault. They were the ones that tore my life apart by fighting. I passed street after street, dreading each step that took me closer and closer to home. I finally reached my street and sighed. My dad's car was in the driveway. Now I was going to have to deal with them both. I reached my house and opened the door, hearing mom and dad whispering.

"…knew we should have told her sooner. She's out daughter. She had a right to know the minute we even considered it." I heard dad mumble and mom let out a laugh.

"We both know that it would have destroyed her and her beliefs." Mom said.

"So it was better for her to see you with your boyfriend and to find out like this?" Dad asked in disbelief.

"You might have done the same thing if you brought home Anna for dinner." Mom said and my mouth dropped open. Dad was seeing someone else too? I couldn't take anymore of this so I slammed the door close.

"I'm home!" I called.

"Clare," Mom said breathlessly and stood from the couch. "We need to talk about earlier."

"What is there to talk about, Mom?" I asked. I was going to play stupid just so she'd admit that what she and dad were doing was a mistake and that they belonged together.

"The fact that your father and I are separating." Mom said and looked at Dad who was seated on a chair across the living room.

"There's nothing to talk about concerning that. You guys don't love each other anymore and all you do is fight. It's the right thing to do." I shrugged and started for the stairs, wanting to escape to my room.

"Okay, if you feel that way…" Mom looked at me uneasily.

"Clare, what's wrong? You look like you've been crying." Dad asked suddenly and I wanted to laugh. Since when did he care if I was okay or not?

"Um, Eli and I broke up." I said, a piece of my heart snapping off. It still didn't seem real that Eli and I were broken up. I got to my room and closed the door, locking it and sitting on my bed. I didn't even realize that I was crying until I touched my cheek and there were wet streaks all over it. I reached, shaking, for the bottle of vodka under my bed and the pack of cigarettes in my pocket. I opened my window so that my room wouldn't stink like smoke and opened the new pack Dean gave me earlier that day. I sat by my window, drank and smoked the whole pack before changing into my pajamas and crying myself to sleep.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of mom and dad arguing. My head pounded from all the vodka I drank last night and my window was still open because I never bothered to get up and close it. I winced as I sat up and sighed, remembering I had to go to school. I got up and threw on a tee shirt and a pair of sweatpants. I was too hung over to look cute today, not to mention I didn't have anyone to look cute for.

I didn't bother saying good morning to either of my parents and decided to grab breakfast from the Dot or something. I grabbed my bag and jacket and stepped outside to see a car waiting in my driveway. Dean leaned against the hood and looked at me when he heard the door close and smiled.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Thought I'd give you a ride to school." Dean shrugged.

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea…" I said in an uneasy voice. I didn't want Eli to see us together and ruin the chance of us getting back together.

"Why not?" Dean asked sadly. Jesus, I was so ready to go off on this kid. Just because we fooled around didn't mean we were going to get married or anything. I still loved Eli.

"Because I'm not your girlfriend. We aren't friends with benefits. I don't even really _like _you that much. You were just there when I needed smokes or sex. Even then, I was trying so hard not to scream and freak out because every time we did it I saw his face and I…" I broke off mid sentence. Was I really this close to telling Dean what Fitz had done to me?

"Who's face?" Dean asked, his face becoming serious and he stood straight and waked towards me. "Clare, what did this guy do to you?"


	13. Confessions

"Clare, what did this guy do to you?" Dean asked and I sighed.

"I promised I wouldn't tell anyone but Eli. I just…I can't." I said and Dean let out a laugh.

"Eli, Eli, it always comes back to Eli!" Dean yelled and I jumped, not expecting his voice change.

"He was my boyfriend, Dean. We told each other everything. He's the only one I can tell." I said sadly and a tear slid down my cheek.

"What _happened, _Clare?" Dean asked and grabbed my arm.

"You can't tell _anyone. _You must keep this secret until I decide to tell people," I whispered and pulled him into his car so no one on the street could hear what I was about to confess to another person. "About a month and a half ago I was at a party for the football team and there was this guy there. His name is Mark Fitzgerald…"

"Fitz?" Dean asked and I nodded.

"We were both really bored so I decided to leave with him. He told me we'd go somewhere and hang out and he took me to the ravine. He was getting drunk so I was about to leave when he…he grabbed me and pulled me into the van and he…" my voice trailed off but I told myself I could do this and kept going. "He raped me and then left me there by myself. I started to walk home when Eli found me and took me back to his house so I didn't have to face anyone. I was so scared and I just couldn't handle it and I've been trying to block it out with the drugs and the drinking and the sex but it only makes it worse."

Dean was silent for awhile before answering. "What a douche. I thought he was a cool dude and here he is _raping _people?"

"I had beliefs. I was going to wait until I got married. Then everything with my parents happened and I met Eli and I'm so in love with him and I considered doing it with him and then Fitz took everything from me." I whispered and Dean nodded.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered and I leaned over, giving him a hug. "If I had known I wouldn't have slept with your or gotten you drunk or hooked on drugs, I'm so, so sorry Clare…"

**So I'm sorry this is such a short chapter but I have plans and this is a good stopping point for the next chapter. Ideas are flowing and I have a feeling I only have six or seven more chapters. If I keep thinking of things, it could be more then that. I'm not sure yet. Keep reading and reviewing =D**


	14. One month later

One Month Later:

After I confessed to Dean, he drove us to school and I prepared to face Eli for the first time. I saw him once in the hallway and Adam talked to me after school, saying I had broken his heart and he wasn't feeling too good. I keep talking to Adam but I only see Eli in the hallways and if we make eye contact, he quickly turns away. I was still in love with him but he would have never known it. Dean and I became really good friends. We didn't date and we didn't have sex. We just hung out and got high and drank and smoked. He hasn't even tried to kiss me.

"So you're saying, if you could, you'd pick reading people's minds over flying." Dean asked, sitting next to me on a bench.

"Yes because I would want to know what people are thinking about me or people I care about." I said, pulling down my skirt. I was still dressing very promiscuously but mom didn't care. Her and dads divorced finalized about two weeks ago and she was very smitten with her boyfriend. She encouraged how I dressed so I could pick up a new boyfriend since Eli and I were over. She didn't get why I didn't date Dean but I told her he was just a really good friend.

"You're crazy!" Dean laughed and paused to answer a text from Bianca. Bianca and he have been dating for almost three weeks now and I had to admit, they were really cute together. "Look, I gotta…"

"Go meet Bianca?" I finished for him. He nodded and gave me a hug before standing up and going to his car. I sat there alone for awhile and then decided to head to the Dot before I went home and got ready for Owen's party. It was getting near April and all the flowers were starting to come back, the last of the March snow storm melting.

There wasn't a cloud in the sky and the sun was really bright. I was still hung over from last night so all the sun was hurting my eyes, making me grateful to get to the Dot. I opened the door and stepped in, looking around for anyone I knew. There was Drew with Fiona, Sav and Holly J, Anaya and Chantey, Eli and the new girl, Gabby…whoa, what?

They were sitting at a table in the corner, leaning close together and giggling. I half expected to see a milkshake with two straws. Then, Eli leaned in and gave her a deep kiss. I felt like my heart was splitting in a million little pieces. How had he moved on so quickly? I felt tears fill my eyes and Anya looked over at the door, seeing me and waving.

"Clare, hey, come sit with us!" she yelled and Eli broke away from Gabby and looked at me. Some tears spilled over and I turned around and flew out the door, walking quickly down the street.

"Clare, wait up!" Eli called after me but I walked faster. "Come on, we need to talk."

"I have nothing to say." I sobbed but Eli was behind me now and he caught my arm, spinning me around.

"What's wrong?" he asked. Was he that stupid?

"Nothing, Eli, nothing." I laughed, breaking away and racing down the street, leaving a confused Eli behind.

Eli walked slowly back to the Dot. Why was Clare so upset to see that he had moved on? Because she didn't know what he knew. He was still in love with her, even though he was dating Gabby. Gabby was just someone to fill the void. He didn't actually like her that much. She was a poser blonde who said she loved everything Eli did but she had no idea what she was talking about. Maybe she was crying because she felt the same way? No, she couldn't. She had cheated on him with that Dean kid. But Dean was going out with Bianca. No matter what happened, Eli knew he was probably always going to love Clare Edwards.

When I got home, I lit a cigarette and opened my closet. I wanted to wear something that didn't revile too much because I wasn't looking for a hook-up. Ever since Eli caught me, I hadn't had sex and I wasn't having as many nightmares about Fitz. Sure, I still thought about it but it wasn't as bad as it had been.

I grabbed a purple tee shirt with a black tank top and a pair of black leggings and a skirt, finishing it off with some purple flats. I kind of looked like the old Clare. I grabbed my phone and my house key and walked out the door, leaving the old Clare in the mirror.


	15. Crash

**So, as of right now, there are only two or three chapters left of the actual story. I have been thinking about how much fun this was to right and how much thought I put into it so I might do a couple one shots that take place in the future after the story ends. I already have a few good ideas in mind =) **

When I got to the party, everyone was already there. I fought through the crowd, looking for Bianca, K.C. and Dean. I knew Alli was around here somewhere but we haven't talked much. I still haven't told her and I didn't know if I was going to unless we became the really good friends we used to be. But right now, when she sees me in the halls with Bianca and K.C. and Dean, she gives me dirty looks. She hates them; Bianca for taking Drew, K.C. for getting Jenna pregnant and Dean…I'm not sure why she hated Dean. Anyway, I found Bianca and Dean sitting on a porch swing outback, being all cute and cuddly.

"Hey, where's K.C.?" I asked.

"Fighting with Jenna…again." Dean rolled his eyes.

"What is it now?" I sighed.

"Probably something to do with the baby." Bianca said. Well, obviously. I still couldn't believe Jenna was pregnant. It was a good thing that I never had sex with him or that could have been me. I thought back to when I _was _having sex a month ago. We had always used condoms so I never used a pregnancy test. The night with Fitz though, I wasn't sure if we had used one but I obviously wasn't pregnant so it didn't matter now, did it? K. C. finally came storming around the corner and almost crashed into me.

"Oh, sorry Clare, I didn't see you." He said.

"Are you okay?" I asked. He looked really upset and I remember all the times he asked if I was okay.

"Yeah, just some baby drama." He shrugged. Poor K.C., he had been through so much in his life and on top of that, Jenna got knocked up.

"Just tell me if you-" I stopped dead in my tracks and looked straight ahead. K.C. looked too and saw what I saw but to him, it didn't have the same meaning. Fitz was sitting on the couch with some girls I didn't know. I stared at him before he finally looked up and looked at me. He winked and a chill ran down my spine.

"Hey, K.C., lets go get a beer." I said and pulled him towards the south end of the yard where all the drinks were.

"You look really pale. What was that thing with Fitz all about?" he asked and I shook my head.

"It was nothing," I lied. "Nothing at all."

Two hours later, I was wasted. I lost count of how many drinks I had an hour and a half ago. I couldn't wait for Dean to pull out a joint so I could feel like air.

"Hey, anyone here wanna join in for a little dope?" a kid asked. I had never done heroin before but I figured since Dean and Bianca were going to, I might as well. What could possibly go wrong?

If I thought pot made you feel great, then I don't know how to describe how I felt after I smoked the heroin. I felt…I don't even _know. _It was like all the feelings you felt when you smoked pot were multiplied by a million. We were all sitting in a circle; giggling and looking at all the colors go by. It was great. I didn't even notice that Fitz was sitting across from me in the circle. I was really disappointed when we finished. I was hungry for more drugs. I made some excuse that I had to go to the bathroom and rummaged through the medicine cabinet until I found a prescription bottle. I didn't even bother to check what it was. I just opened the bottle and popped a couple, putting the bottle back and smiling at myself in the mirror before heading back to the party.

About a half hour later, I was starting to feel weird. The high was still going because of the heroin and the medication mixed together but something felt wrong.

"Clare, are you okay? You look a million miles away." K.C. asked and I shrugged.

"I feel a bit sick. Probably because of my first time doing heroin." I said. My head felt like it was going to explode and my heart felt like it was going to the races.

"You look really red and your pupils are _huge. _Is that even normal?" K.C. asked.

"Oh, she's fine! She probably won't remember a thing tomorrow because she's so drunk and high." Bianca laughed.

"Yeah, listen to B," I said. "I'm gonna go out front for some air." Everyone nodded and I walked slowly to the gate in the back of the yard. It was nice and bright inside the yard but just outside that, it was pitch black. I wasn't even sure of the time. Was it ten or eleven? I walked a little bit outside the house before I felt faint. My skin was burning up and my heart was going 100 miles an hour. I vision was becoming blurry and I was so dizzy, I knew I was going to fall over soon. What was wrong with me? If people felt like this after their first time of heroin, why did they get hooked? I felt _awful. _

"I wish Eli was here…" I mumbled. He was probably with his new girlfriend, Gabby, driving around in Morty laughing at some joke or listening to music.

Then, everything crashed.


	16. Waking up

Eli had only come to the party because Gabby asked him to. When he walked in the door, he noticed Alli, Drew, Fiona and Sav playing Rockband. When he walked outside, he saw Clare standing with K.C., Bianca and Dean near a bench. Clare looked really sick. Eli walked a little closer and listened to what they were talking about.

"I feel a bit sick. Probably because of my first time doing heroin." Clare said. Eli's heart stopped. Heroin? Clare was doing _heroin? _ Eli zoned out and walked over to where Gabby was talking to Owen and some girl. Pretty soon, Clare was walking away towards the gate. Eli excused himself from the conversation and walked quickly after her. He was behind her when he heard her mumble something.

"I wish Eli was here…" she mumbled and then, she fell over. He sprinted towards her, kneeling next to her. Her eyes rolled in the back of her head and her arms were twisted at weird angles.

"Oh god…" he said. He picked her up in his arms and rushed towards the yard, bursting through the gate. "Someone call 911!"

"Holy shit," K.C. said. "What's wrong with her?"

"It's probably the drinking and the drugs mixed." Dean said and looked at Bianca worriedly.

"Ambulance is on its way!" someone called.

"C'mon, Clare, don't die. Don't leave me…"

When I woke up, I was in a room that was all white. There was beeping and there was something weird in my nose. I looked around, my vision finally coming back. I was in a hospital room, decked out with machines that were keeping all my vitals in check. There was a tray with water at my feet and the sheets were itchy. I looked around the room, my eyes resting on something.

Eli was fast asleep, lying on a chair in the corner of the room. His arms were wrapped around himself and his head drooped to the side. He looked cute like that, lying there. I didn't want to wake him up but he was already stirring. His eyes opened slowly and then they widened when he saw I was awake.

"Clare, you're up!" Eli said, getting up and coming towards me. I tried to sit up but I felt sick and weak so I dropped back down onto the bed.

"What happened to me?" I asked. My voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

"I found you outside of Owen's yard. You had fainted and your eyes were all rolled back. I drove with you in the ambulance and when we got here they said you overdosed and they had to pump your stomach. You almost didn't make it." Eli explained, his eyes watering up.

"I…overdosed?" Shit, I shouldn't have taken the pills after taking the heroin.

"Yeah, don't you remember?" _Clare, you'll be okay, I'm right here, holding your hand…_

"Some of it." I said.

"The doctors wanted to call your parents but I wasn't sure how you'd feel about waking up to that so I told them to wait until you woke up." Eli said.

"No, no parents yet." I said. Eli smirked and then his smile faded.

"What were you thinking Clare?" he asked. I shrugged.

"My parents were gone, you were gone…I didn't have anyone or anything." I whispered.

"So you resorted to drugs and alcohol? Clare, that isn't you!" Eli said, a tear sliding down his cheek. "You scared the hell out of me. I thought I lost you just like I lost Julie and I couldn't…I couldn't handle that." Eli cried and I grabbed his hand, pulling him forward into a hug. We gripped onto each other like life depended on it and cried.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry." I sobbed.

"No, it's my fault. I should have helped you instead of dumping you but I was so _hurt…_"

"You had every right to do what you did. I cheated on you and what was happening with me wasn't an excuse." I said, running my hands through his hair. I moved over a bit on the bed and motioned for Eli to lie next to me. He climbed into the bed and held me in his arms, wiping his eyes.

"Does anyone else know about…?" Eli asked.

"I told Dean the day after we broke up. We've been best friends ever since…and _only _best friends. He's been dating Bianca." I explained. "Did you tell Gabby?"

"Who?" Eli asked.

"Your girlfriend." I said. Eli sighed.

"No. We just started going out a week or two ago. I don't even really like her. She's not you…" Eli said, trailing off as we both turned towards each other and our faces were inches apart. I moved my lips closer, pressing mine to his. We both yanked back as the door opened and I nurse walked in, holding a chart.

"Oh, Clare, you're up!" she said, coming over and giving Eli a stern look. He jumped off the bed, showing off his famous smirk.  
"Yeah, and I feel a lot better then last night." I said.

"You should! All the drugs and alcohol are out of your body. Here's some water," she said as she poured me a glass. "You need to keep hydrated." I took the glass willing and gulped the whole thing down.

"Can I have some more?" I asked.

"Sure, here's the pitcher so you can just keep re-pouring it. The doctor will be in soon to ask you some questions. Would you like us to call your parents now?" she asked.

"I guess so," I sighed. Eli smiled encouragingly. "Here goes nothing."


	17. the Truth

"I'm not sure I can face them." I said after the nurse left, saying my parents would be here right away.

"Of course you can." Eli said, resuming his place next to me on the bed. I grabbed his hand and rested my head on his shoulder. I felt so much better that he was here, that there was a chance he had forgiven me.

"Just…don't leave." I whispered.

"I'm not going anywhere." Eli said and kissed my forehead.

Eli dozed off after awhile but I couldn't sleep knowing my parents would be here any minute to yell and send me away so they wouldn't have to deal with the devil child their perfect daughter had become. As if on queue, I heard them outside, arguing as they walked towards the room.

"Eli, wake up, my parents are here." I said, shaking his shoulder. His head jerked up and he rubbed his eyes. The door flung open, my parents barging into the room. Mom was teary eyed and Dad just looked pissed as all hell. They looked between Eli and me.

"What is he doing here?" Dad asked.

"He's the one that found me." I said in my frog voice. Eli looked around awkwardly and then made some excuse to go get coffee and that he needed to make a call.

"You said you wouldn't leave!" I whispered fiercely into his ear.

"I'll be right back!" Eli said and walked quickly from the room. My parents watched him go and when the door closed they both turned back to me.

"Clare Edwards, what in the _world _were you thinking? Drinking and doing drugs? That is not the girl we raised." Mom said angrily.

"You put a bad mark on the family name." Dad said.

"Your daughter almost died and you're worried about the 'family name'? And anyway, what family? Darcy is gone, you're both dating other people and I've just been stuck here dealing with-" I stopped there, knowing if I kept going that I would have told them everything.

"Dealing with what, Clare? Honey, you can tell us anything." Mom whispered and sat next to me on the bed.

"I can tell you everything? Oh please, you'd shun me the minute I told you what I've been doing." I said. Dad's eyes widened.

"Well, what have you been doing?" he asked. I took a deep breath. I didn't have to tell them about the sex or what happened with Fitz. I could just tell them about the smoking and the drinking.

"You really want to know," they both nodded. "I've been out every weekend for almost two months drinking and getting high. I even drink and smoke cigarettes at home but you guys never noticed. Last night was the first time I tried heroin and I went into the bathroom and popped some pills and I overdosed because of it combined with all the vodka I was drinking."

"Oh my god," Mom sobbed and ran out the door. I knew she wouldn't be able to handle it.

"I'm going to go get her and then we're going to decide your punishment for lying and drinking and smoking." Dad said as he chased after mom. After dad left, Eli came back into the room.

"I heard what you told them." He said. "You should have told them about Fitz."

"I couldn't tell them. When Darcy was raped, my parents were devastated and nothing was really the same. I don't want to disappoint them."

"No offense, Clare, but I think you already have." Eli said. He was right. They were already so upset with me so adding more onto it now would just help later on, right?

"As long as you're here when I do it." I said. Eli nodded and resumed his place next to me on the bed, holding me in his arms after he put his coffee down. "Oh, and who did you call?"

"Just my parents to tell them you were awake and all that." He said. Mom and dad walked in then.

"Before you say anything, I have more to tell you." I said, grabbing Eli's hand for support. He gave it a gentle squeeze and I took in a deep breath.

"About two months ago, I was at a party for the football team because Ali invited me. I was really bored and a boy named Fitz was there who was bored too. We left and he told me he'd give me a ride home. He took us to the ravine and he was getting drunk with his friends and ignoring me. I got up to walk home or call Eli to pick me up when he grabbed me and he…" I trailed off. Mom was trying not to cry and dad looked very angry. They knew. But I had to finish the story.

"Go ahead, Clare." Eli whispered.

"He pulled me into this van where people hook up and he, he…" I let out a sob. "He raped me and then he left me there. I wasn't sure what to do so I started to walk home and Eli found me," I looked up at him and he was crying. "He took care of me that weekend when I said I was at Ali's house. Ever since then, I've been drinking and smoking."

"Oh, Clare," Mom sobbed and pulled me into a hug. Eli stood up so my dad could come over to the other side and give me a hug. My parents just sat there, cried and hugged me. It was weird; all of us hugging like this. "We're so sorry."

"I am too."

After we all cried ourselves dry, my parents left to go talk to the doctor so I could get some rest.

"We'll be back in a little bit. We just have to discuss some things with the doctors." Mom said, kissing my cheek before leaving with dad. Eli had been sitting patiently in the corner of the room. My parents had wanted him to leave but I told them he had to stay. After the door closed, Eli came and lay down next to me, pulling the blanket up to my chin.

"Hey," I smiled. "Want to go get me some coffee. I'm so thirsty but I'm sick of water."

"You don't need any coffee," Eli laughed. "You need to get some rest."

"Uh, I couldn't possibly fall asleep. We have too much to talk about." I said, my fingers lacing with his.

"I will be here when you wake up. In fact, I'm probably going to fall asleep too. I haven't gotten much sleep lately so I'm exhausted." Eli explained.

"Why haven't you been sleeping?" I asked, becoming drowsy myself.

"I've been too worried about you. Just because we broke up doesn't mean I don't care about you." Eli said. My head dropped on his shoulder and sleep began to take over.

"I love you, Eli." I whispered, finally falling asleep.

"I love you too, Clare."


	18. My fallen angel

**So I know I said that there would only be two chapters left but as I was writing chapters 16 and 17, I realized I still had a decent amount to write about and some loose ends to tie so I'm not sure how many more there will be. But I am sure that I'll do a couple one shots that take place in the future that'll mostly be Eclare cuteness =)**

The next morning:

I woke up to the sun shining in the window. I looked around to see what time it was but there was no clock. God, I hated not knowing what time it was. I felt a weight on my legs and looked down to see Eli and fallen over while he was sleeping and was lying in my lap. I reached out and ran my fingers through his hair and closing my eyes to try to fall back asleep. I felt fingers grab mine, making my eyes snap open. Eli was looking up at me, the light hitting his face and making him look beautiful.

"You look like an angel." I whispered.

"An angel," he laughed. "A fallen angel, maybe."

"My fallen guardian angel." I said. Eli leaned up and kissed me and it was like lightning. How could he lay here and kiss me when he had a girlfriend waiting outside the hospital? I remembered last night, falling asleep to Eli saying he loved me after I said I loved him.

"So, before my parents come back and realize I'm awake, what happens now? I mean, with last night and us kissing…" I asked. Eli sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

"What do you mean?" Eli asked. Ugh, he was playing stupid.

"Eli, you know what I mean." I said. "Last night when we said we loved each other."

"Oh…that." Eli said.

"I wouldn't really be asking if other people weren't involved." I shrugged. "What about Gabby?"

"Well, I don't know. I'm trying to forget everything that happened these past weeks but I can't. But then I have to remember that you were confused about everything. I was just so hurt because I knew that I loved you when I found you near the ravine but because of everything that happened I didn't want to tell you so I wouldn't freak you out. I don't want to give into this love and get back together with you only to be hurt again." Eli whispered.

"What I did to you was wrong and I will pay for it for the rest of my life. I can't take it back and there is no excuse. But I know what I want. I want you and I'm going to get the help that I need. I won't hurt you again. I promise you that. You can count on me, Eli." I replied, taking his hand in mine.

"Say it." Eli said, looking down at the white sheets.

"Say what?" I asked.

"Those three words," Eli laughed. "So I know you're not lying."

"I love you, Elijah Goldsworthy,"

"I love you too, Clare Edwards." He smiled. Then he told me he had to make a couple calls and get some food and that he's be back soon with coffee. After he left, I almost exploded with happiness. Eli and I loved each other and nothing could stand in our way.

I waited patiently for my parents to come into the room. Eventually, they all filed in one by one; the doctor, mom, dad and some woman I didn't know.

"Hey, sweetie, how're you feeling this morning?" Mom asked.

"Good, really good." I replied.

"Clare, this is Mrs. Marks. She's from a local rehab center. After your confession that you've been drinking and doing drugs, we wanted to get you the necessary help," the doctor said. "Connected to the rehab center is a very well staffed therapy office. We also think you need to talk to someone about what happened to you."

"Clare, we want what's best for you and if it's sending you somewhere where you can receive proper help, we're more then willing." Dad said.

"You're sending me to…rehab?" I squeaked. I knew that it was the right thing but I was actually _going_?

"It's what is best for you," Mrs. Marks said. "You won't be staying long since you haven't been in trouble that long. A month and a half at the most."

"I ca-can…I can do that." I said. "Can I have visitors?"

"Of course you can, Clare. But we don't need to talk about that right now. You're being released later today so before you leave, we're going to sit down and talk about the details before you go home and spend some time with your family before you leave." The doctor said.

"Okay, sure." I smiled. I wanted to put on a strong face for my parents and for Eli. Did I want to go away for a month? Of course not! But I had to go, just to make everyone happy.

"We'll be back in an hour or two. I have some errands to run and your father has to run to work." Mom said. They both left the room with the doctor and Mrs. Marks on their heels. It wasn't until they all left, that I let the tears run down my cheeks.

I couldn't help but sob even when Eli came back with two coffees, smiling like a goon.

"Hey, Clare, what's wrong?" he asked, putting down the coffee and wiping away the tears.

"My parents are sending me away to a therapeutic rehab center for six weeks." I cried, reaching for a tissue on the night stand.

"Six _weeks_?" Eli said, his eyes widening. "Why so long?"

"They said it could have been more time if I had been in trouble longer." I shrugged.

"Shit," Eli said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "Are you isolated or can I come and visit you?"

"They said I could but we're hashing out the details when I get released later. I think I leave tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? They can't give you like, a week home with your loved ones?" Eli asked.

"I don't want to spend six weeks away from you…" I said.

"Don't worry, Edwards. I'm not going anywhere." Eli smirked.

"So…did you call Gabby?" I asked. Eli let out a small laugh.

"Yeah, I told her I'd meet up with her at the Dot tonight. I didn't want to break up with her over the phone because that's just rude." He said, taking a sip from his coffee.

"After you leave the Dot, want to come over?" I asked, smiling.

"Wouldn't want to miss the chance to hang out with the girl I love, now would I?" Eli said, leaning in and give me a kiss.

"No, no you wouldn't."


	19. Commissioner Kevin Green

"Now, Clare. You'll be living at Garden Springs for six weeks. You will have a room mate and you will go to therapy every day before going to see a tutor so that you don't fall behind in school. You can have visitors every weekend. You'll get three meals a day and you can ask permission to eat snacks in between. I think you'll like your stay at Garden Springs." Mrs. Marks rambled. I was in another world, staring out the window in the office. They all said the same thing; we have great food, great counselors, great programs, blah blah blah.

"Will you help her through her problems?" mom asked.

"Obviously." I mumbled. Why else would they suggest I go there?

"Of course! She will be helped through her problems in therapy where she shall talk it through and we will ask her advanced questions that will help lead her to a conclusion on why she acted the way she did." Mrs. Marks replied.

"I already know why I acted the way I did." I intervened. Mom and Dad glanced at each other and Mrs. Marks face became saddened.

"Yes, about that. We also believe it would be in your best interest that we file a sexual assault charge against this boy. What's his name?" Mom asked but I was too shocked by the idea that I was frozen. Did charging him with rape mean that I would have to go to court and testify? Face him and try to prove my case? "Clare, what's his name?"  
"Mark Fitzgerald." I said automatically.

"Well, I'll call the lawyer to meet us at the police station before we go home so we can file the charges." Dad said. I wanted to smile but I thought that wouldn't be appropriate for the situation. The smile slipped out anyway because the thought of Fitz being locked away made me the happiest I've ever been in a while.

After signing papers for my release from the hospital and signing papers to get into Garden Springs, mom and dad piled me into the car to go to the station. My stomach became more and more twisted as we drove closer and closer. I wished Eli was with me now so I could have a hand to hold. We pulled into the parking lot, parking next to a black BMW where a man in a fancy suit stood waiting.

"Oh, look. The lawyer's already here." Mom sighed. He shook both mom and dad's hands and gave me a warm smile.

"Let's go in and get started, shall we?" he asked. I nodded and followed everyone inside to the front desk where a young girl sat.

"May I help you?" she asked sweetly.

"Yes, we have a meeting with the commissioner." The lawyer said.

"Of course, I'll page him." The secretary said. I sat down in a chair and waited, watching as mom and dad whispered quietly with the lawyer. It was the same lawyer who helped with the divorce. Was he happy that he tore my family apart? I was snapped out of my thoughts when my name was called. My parents were told to stay outside in the waiting room and I looked back at them in panic as the lawyer pushed me into the office. The door was closed behind me and I was led to a seat in front of a giant, wooden desk. Behind it was the commissioner. He was a young man with brown hair and hazel eyes. His badge read 'Commissioner K. Green' that was placed on his blue dress shirt.

"Hello, you must be Clare Edwards. I'm Commissioner Kevin Green. You can call me Kevin." He extended his hand. They were ice cold.

"Hello," I said quietly. He shook the lawyer's hand, calling him by his first name and motioned for him to sit next to me.

"So what can I do for you today?" Kevin asked.

"We'd like to report a sexual assault on Miss. Edwards, here." The lawyer said. I sunk down in my chair a bit. This was really weird to talk about with two guys I didn't know.

"Against who?" Kevin asked.

"His name is Mark Fitzgerald. He's a junior at Degrassi." I said, barely audible. Kevin nodded and typed his name into the computer, his eyes widening. _Probably at Fitz's giant record,_ I thought.

"Well, Clare. This is going to be a lot easier for you." Kevin said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Mark Fitzgerald is already in jail." Kevin said.

"No way…really?" I asked.

"Yes, he was caught last night in an open field with a six pack of beer and a pocketful of pot. I believe all the kids call the field 'the ravine'?" Kevin asked. All the color drained from my face and I gripped the arms of the chair.

"Clare, are you okay?" the lawyer asked.

"Yes, um, the ravine is where it happened." I whispered.

"Well, Clare. Since he's already in jail we won't have to get a warrant for his arrest but we still need a statement if you want these charges added to the drug and alcohol possession." Kevin explained.

"Okay, can someone be in the room with me when I give the statement?" I asked. "I don't really want to be alone."

"Of course, if you want, we can get your parents." The lawyer said.

"Oh, I don't want my parents in there. I want to call my friend Eli. You see, he found me and he's been there for me and it would just be a lot easier if he was there." I said. They both nodded and Kevin slid his phone across the desk as the lawyer went to tell mom and dad what was happening. I dialed Eli's cell phone number.

"Hello?" he sounded confused.

"Eli, its Clare, I'm calling from the police station. I have to give a statement against Fitz and they said I could have someone in there with me and I want it to be you. Will you come?" I asked.

"You had me on 'its Clare'." He said before hanging up. I smiled to myself and hung up the phone, sliding it back to Kevin and leaning back in my chair.

"Commissioner Green, an Elijah Goldsworthy is here to see you. He says you're expecting him regarding a Miss. Clare Edwards…" the secretary called on the intercom.

"Yes, please send him in." Kevin said. There was a knock on the door and then Eli's black haired head poked through the door. "Hello, you must be Eli."

"Yeah, I'm here for Clare." Eli said, sitting down and grabbing my hand.

"Well, don't get too comfortable. We're going down to the interrogation room so you can both give your statements." Kevin said.

"_Both?" _Eli asked.

"Of course, you found her, didn't you? We just have to ask you a few simple questions. Don't look so panicked, Eli. It's not like you have anything to hide, do you?"


	20. Cheers

"Nope, I just wasn't prepared for giving a statement. Bad memories and all." Eli said. Kevin shrugged and led us down to the interrogation room. We sat on one side of the table and Kevin told us to wait for Officer Sarah.

"Are you nervous?" Eli asked me quietly.

"Not really," and then I filled him in on how Fitz was already arrested for drug possession.

"Wow, that's really good timing." Eli laughed as a young woman walked into the room.

"Hello, I'm Officer Sarah Kelly and I'm here to take your statements." She smiled, extending her hand.

"Hi, I'm Clare Edwards and this is my boyfriend, Eli." I said, my fingers sliding into Eli's.

"It's nice to meet you. Okay, this may be a little tough for you both but I'm going to try to make it as fast and painless as possible." Officer Sarah said, sitting down with a voice recorder in her hand. She pressed play before saying, "Okay, start from the beginning."

After two hours of talking, tears and gulping cups of water, we were finally done.

"I feel so drained." Eli said, stopping outside the door of the interrogation room. I nodded, rubbing at my blood shot, puffy eyes.

"I know. And now I have to go home and get ready to say good-bye to everyone I love." I mumbled.

"The weeks will go by like that. You'll barley have time to miss us." Eli said, giving me a small smile and wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

"Maybe I won't miss my parents as much, but every second of every day, I'll be thinking of you." I said, pressing my lips to his cheek.

"I'll visit every possible moment that I can. You'll probably be sick of me." He replied.

"I could never be sick of you." I said simply. We walked out into the lobby where my parents sat on the edge of their seats.

"Clare," they both jumped at the sight of Eli and me emerging from the hallway. "How was it? Are you okay? What did they ask you?"

"It was…" I started.

"Hard work," Eli finished. "But she was great in there."

"We told them everything. From the beginning of the day up until the Monday I went back to school after staying with Eli." I said.

"Well, I think it's time we get you home. You need to pack and we need to have our good-bye dinner. I'm making your favorite. Chicken parm with buttered pasta for dinner and vanilla cake with chocolate frosting for dessert." Mom smiled.

"Oh wow, really? Thank you! Um…would it be okay if Eli joined us for dinner?" I asked.

"Of course, Clare. We want you to be happy tonight." Dad smiled.

"I'm going to drive back to our house with Eli if that's okay." I added. Mom and dad looked worriedly at each other but then mom nodded her head slowly. I grabbed Eli's hand and walked out into the parking lot, veering off towards Morty. Hopping in next to Eli, he cranked the engine where music blared from the speakers. We sat there for a while in silence, not moving and just letting the music play.

"I'm going to miss this." I said.

"What are you going to miss?" Eli asked.

"Sitting here in the car, music blaring, being happy." I whispered.

"You can still be happy, Clare. When you get out in six weeks, we can sit in the car with the music up 24 hours a day, seven days a week." Eli replied, leaning over to give me a kiss on the cheek. I nodded, fastening my seat belt as Eli pulled out of the parking lot and zoomed off towards home. On the way home, I filled Eli in on the missing months. I told him about the drugs, the alcohol, Dean becoming my best friend and how much it killed me to be without him. Eli just nodded, never interrupting.

"Don't worry, Clare," he said when I finished. "I'm never going anywhere again."

"Good to know," I smiled as we pulled into the driveway. Eli ran around to my side of the car, opening the door for me and following me up the walk to my front door. I pushed it open, finding mom and dad in the kitchen, laughing about something as they cooked. I stopped in the doorway for a minute, looking at them. This was how it used to be, before everything went to hell. Just then, dad turned around.

"Oh, guys are here, dinner is almost ready." Dad said, waving his hand for Eli and me to come into the kitchen. We took our spots at the table, my hand finding its way to Eli's under the table and lacing my fingers through his under the table. He gave my hand a squeeze of encouragement, before letting go and picking up his glass of water as mom and dad put the food down on the table.

"To Clare and her last day at home before being brave and heading off to Garden Springs for six weeks." And with that, we all clinked our glasses together.

**I am SOOOOO sorry it took me so long to update. I've been wrapped up with guard and school and then I recently had a concussion so I couldn't do much. **


	21. Tonight's the nightmaybe

**So this may be the last chapter I post for awhile (at least two weeks). My laptop needs to go in and get something fixed but I had time to write one more chapter and get it up before that happens. **

After an hour and a half of stuffing our faces with food, mom and dad finally started clearing the table. Eli and I excused ourselves and made our way to my room. I flopped down on my bed and sighed.

"Do I really have to go?" I asked sadly.

"I wish you didn't." Eli said.

"Me too," I replied, snuggling into Eli's side as he lay down next to me. "But it'll be worth it when I get out." I added.

"What do you want me to tell everyone at school?" Eli asked. I knew people were already talking. I shrugged.

"Tell them the truth," I sighed. "They already knew I was falling off the deep end."

"They didn't know why though. They only knew the gossip that was going around. From what I heard through Adam, Gabby and Sav, it was all bull shit." Eli said.

"Oh, I can only imagine the rumors." I chuckled.

"You know what I thought was weird. K.C. and Jenna came up to me and asked how you were. I was so confused. I felt like saying to K.C., 'okay, so this girl comes and pretends to be Clare's friend, you break up with her for said girl, date each other and then knock her up? And you're asking how Clare is?' But I refrained." Eli rambled.

"Actually, I hung out with K.C. more when I was hanging out with Dean. They all hung out in the same group. He was always trying to talk me out of doing things. I mostly ignored him and finally told him off one day." I shrugged.

"There's something about him that makes me really pissed off." Eli said.

"Is it that he's an ass?" I asked. Eli laughed and I joined in, the sound echoing off my high bedroom ceiling. "I'm serious! He's such a…"

"…tool?" Eli finished for me. This made us laugh harder. It was true. K.C. was a total tool. After what he did to me and Jenna, he deserved everything he got. I clutched my sides, feeling the aching feeling from too much laughter. Our laughter died off and it was silence.

"I'm glad you're not like him." I whispered.

"Oh believe me; I'd shoot myself before becoming K.C. You don't have to worry." Eli said back. I rolled over onto my back, pulling on Eli's shirt so he was on his side. Then, I leaned up and kissed him. He seemed taken by surprise at the sudden attack but eventually, his arms kept his weight off of me as he hovered over me, returning the kiss. Things were getting pretty heated when my mom called from downstairs,

"I don't hear any talking! Behave, you two," I pulled away from Eli and sighed, rolling my eyes.

"Yes, mother," I called back. She let out a laugh and got back to washing the dishes. "We should get out of here."

"And go where?" Eli laughed.

"I don't know. We could go for a walk until I have to come home and finish packing." I suggested. Eli nodded and stood, grabbing my hand as we made our way down the stairs.

"Hey, mom, we're going for a walk. We'll be back in a little bit." I called into the kitchen.

"Be careful!" she called after us. Outside, I took a deep breath. It was a perfect night and the air was as fresh as could be.

"I'm going to miss fresh air." I giggled.

"Yeah, I hear the air in rehab is really stale." Eli joked. We started down the street but then I stopped.

"We should go for a drive. Put all the windows down, blast music, make a ruckus." I smiled. Eli pulled his keys from his pocket.

"I am all for making a ruckus." He said, sprinting back to Morty and opening the door for me. I slid into the seat and pulled out Eli's cd case, leafing through the discs before deciding on the new My Chemical Romance album. I put the disc in the player as Eli started the car and Morty roared to life.

"Where to?" Eli asked.

"Anywhere," I smirked before Eli floored it on the gas pedal.

Somehow, we ended up in the park. We had thrown down a blanket and brought an iHome with us so we could play music while we watched the stars. We were silent, listening to the crickets and the music.

"I love you," I whispered. Eli reached over and grabbed my hand.

"I love you too," he said before grabbing me and pulling me on top of him. I laughed and eagerly met Eli's lips. Here I was, under the stars, making out with Eli. There was no other way I'd want to spend my last night of freedom before being away for six weeks. I toyed with the zipper on his jacket as he hesitantly pulled at the buttons of mine. I slid out of my jacket and helped Eli slide out of his; a difficult task considering he was pinned to the ground. The chilly night air nipped at my bare arms but the way things were going, being cold wasn't really a problem. I tugged at Eli's shirt as he put little butterfly kisses on my neck.

"Clare," he said as he broke away. He was breathless and his hair was all messy. "We don't have to do this; not here, anyways."

"We could go in the back of Morty?" I suggested. Eli's eyes bugged out of his head.

"No, our first time is not going to be in the back of a hearse." Eli laughed.

"Does it matter?" I groaned. "Eli, you're being such a buzz kill. Let's just stay here. It's beautiful out." Eli nodded before attacking my lips with his and I hiked his shirt up and over his head. Eli slowly undid the buttons on my shirt, getting ready to pull it off when my phone began to ring. I pulled it out of my pocket as Eli kissed my neck, looking at the caller i.d. "Damn, it's my mom." Eli immediately pulled away and I flipped open my phone.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Hello, Clare. Where are you?" she asked.

"Just out driving with Eli. We'll be headed home soon." I lied.

"It's already nine thirty. You still have to pack and you have a big day tomorrow. I think you should head home now." Mom suggested.

"Okay," I replied before hanging up. "Time to go home." I said to Eli. He moaned and grabbed for his shirt. We quickly got redressed and headed back to the car. The ride home was deathly quiet. Things were defenetly awkward. Were we going to talk about it? We almost had sex; if my phone hadn't rang, I wasn't going to stop him and I'm sure he wasn't going to stop me. We pulled into the driveway and Eli and I made our way to the front door.

"Do you need help packing?" Eli asked.

"Yeah, I'd love some help." I smiled and opened the door. Mom and dad were sitting in the living room having coffee and watching the news; they were both sitting on opposite sides of the room. "Eli's going to help me pack before he goes home."

"Okay, honey." Mom shrugged and we made our way up the stairs to my room. I pulled out my suitcase and threw it on the bed.

"I've never been more angry to see a suitcase before in my whole life." I muttered and Eli sat on my bed, looking at it with disgust.

"I can't believe you're actually going." He whispered. I made my way around the bed and sat next to him.

"Like you said, the weeks will fly by. You won't have time to miss me." I said before leaning in for a kiss. Eli ducked away and stood, going towards my closet.

"Are there any certain types of clothes you need?" he asked. I signed, looking at the floor before up at Eli.

"Eli," I started but he cut me off.

"Don't Clare," he said. I gave him a questioning look. "I know what you're going to say. 'Why won't you kiss me?' I won't because of what happened in the park. Clare, we almost took that next step and even though it was perfect, I couldn't do that to you right before you leave for six weeks. It felt like I was pushing myself on you, like you weren't ready. So I won't kiss you now because I know I won't be able to stop this time." He rambled.

"Eli, I really wanted to. It's not like you were pushing yourself on me. I couldn't think of a better time. I wish my mom hadn't called. I want to be closer to you." I said, standing and taking his hands in mine.

"And we will, Clare. Just…not tonight." Eli said.

"Well, yeah, my parents are right downstairs." I joked. Eli rolled his eyes and opened my closet doors.

"Okay, what do you want to take?"

One hour later, my suitcase was ready with all the things I'd need in Garden Springs. Eli and I were laying in my bed, talking.

"Promise you won't go and find some other girl while I'm gone. Some hotter, rocker chick who throws herself at you." I said.

"As long as you don't start hooking up with some ex-convict schizophrenic." Eli replied. I laughed and nodded. "Then you got yourself a deal."

"Ugh, I'm so tired." I complained, my eyelids dropping. Eli sat up.

"Want me to leave? Come back in the morning?" Eli asked. I shook my head violently and grabbed his arm, pulling him down next to me and pulling a throw over us.

"Don't you dare," I threated.

"What about your parents?" Eli asked.

"They can come wake us up if they want you to leave. Just stay here and sleep." I said, my voice lowering and my eyes shutting. Eli placed an arm around me and smiled.

"I'm not going anywhere." He replied. "I love you,"

"I love you too," I replied and, like in the hospital, I fell asleep in Eli's arms.


	22. Elis' talk with mom

Eli woke up to the bright sun in his face. At first, he wasn't sure where he was. Then he looked down and saw the beautiful girl lying in his arms. Eli smiled to himself and looked at the clock. It was eight in the morning and they had to leave Clare's house by nine to get to Garden Springs. Eli wasn't ready to wake Clare up yet, he just wanted to stare at her; the way the light was hitting her face just right so it made her skin glow. She truly looked like an angel. In the hospital, Clare had said he was her fallen guardian angel. But she was wrong. If anything, _she _was _his _angel. Eli sighed and planted a small kiss on Clare's forehead. He moved down to her lips and as he kissed her, she woke up, giving a giggle. She kissed him back and the butterflies in his stomach multiplied, just like they always did when they kissed. He knew today was the day Clare was going away and he wanted to make this feeling last.

"Morning," I whispered.

"Good Morning," Eli answered as he pulled away. "Today's the day."

"Ugh, don't remind me!" I whimpered, pulling the blanket over my head.

"It's gonna be okay," Eli reassured me.

"You keep saying that but how do you know? It could be the worst experience of my life!" I shouted, my voice echoing off the walls. Eli considered this and then shrugged.

"Well, if it is, then at least you got it out of the way early in life." Eli said.

"These are the years of my life when I should be having fun and doing crazy stuff all the time and staying out late." I rambled.

"Clare, you've been doing that for months. Six weeks of chilling and getting the help you need won't kill you!" Eli said before sitting up and sliding off the bed. "Now get up, we have to get you moving."

"Fifteen more minutes?" I asked. Eli shook his head. I sighed and got up, swinging my feet over the side of the bed and landing with a thud on the floor. There was a knock at the door and then my mom came into the room.

"Oh, I see you are already up and moving," she said, eyeing Eli and I. "I hope you weren't up late…"

"Nope, we feel asleep after we packed. I was really tired." I explained and the look on moms' face told me that maybe she didn't believe me. What, did she think Eli and I were up here having sex? I would _not_ have sex with my parents in the house, let alone right downstairs. "We didn't do anything, if that's what you're implying."

"Oh, Clare, that's not what I meant." Mom lied. I nodded and headed towards the bathroom.

"Well, I'm going to grab a shower before breakfast so I'll be down after." I said and mom nodded, letting me out of the room. Eli stayed glued to the spot and I felt bad for leaving him with my mother but I needed one last shower in my bathroom before I was shipped off. I walked quickly into the bathroom and slammed the door closed behind me, leaving my mother and Eli alone.

Eli felt pretty awkward here in Clare's room…with her mother. Eli shifted from one foot to the other and then sighed.

"Look, Ms. Edwards," Eli started but she held up her hand.

"I don't want to hear it Mr. Goldsworthy. I know what you're after from my daughter." She said, sitting in Clare's computer chair. Eli sat on Clare's bed, facing the woman. He was suddenly interested in what she had to say.

"And what would that be, Ms. Edwards?" Eli asked politely. Ms. Edwards smirked and rolled her eyes at him.

"You only want her for sex," she said. Eli's jaw dropped and he wanted to get up and kick Ms. Edwards in the shin. He only wanted Clare for sex? That was the biggest piece of bull shit he'd ever heard!

"You have it all wrong. I love your daughter and I want to be with her because she makes me happy. I love the way her whole face lights up when she smiles or laughs, I love how she pushes me to do my best because she believes in me. I love how she's helped me with my problems these last few months, how her light and happiness brightens my dark moods. She's everything a guy could dream of. When I'm with your daughter, Ms. Edwards, sex is the _last _thing on my mind." Eli finished. Ms. Edwards nodded and stood.

"All the things you said may be true, but that doesn't mean I have to like you. I don't think your right for my daughter. What she sees in you, I'm not sure but I'm not going to try to push you away because she may realize soon that you don't belong." She said before leaving Clare's room and walking down the stairs. Eli felt like he's been punched in the stomach. What was with that lady? Eli lay back on Clare's bed and listened to the water run in the nest room. Was what Ms. Edwards said true? Was he bad for Clare, not good enough? Eli was too busy daydreaming and thinking that he hadn't noticed that Clare was done in the shower and had returned to her room, hair dripping. He looked at her for a minute before realizing that Ms. Edwards was wrong. Clare and Eli were perfect for each other.

Eli was lying on my bed when I came back into the room. He looked like he was a mile away but then he looked at me and the look on his face was pure love. He stood up and walked over to me, grabbing me by the waist and landing a huge kiss on my lips.

"What was that for?" I giggled.

"For putting up with me, loving me and not giving up on me." Eli said and I nodded.

"That's a good reason," I smirked.

"Clare, it's almost time to go! You have to come and eat something," Dad yelled up the stairs and I sighed, grabbing my bag and heading down the stairs with Eli behind me. "You ready to go, kiddo?"

"Is it okay if I say no?" I asked, slightly angry with the fact that my dad was acting like it was any other morning.

"Of course it is, you're leaving your home and family for six weeks." Mom said, placing a plate of eggs and bacon in front of me. I handed a piece of bacon to Eli and he grabbed it eagerly, shoving the whole piece in his mouth.

"Thanks," he said around the bacon, smiling. I laughed and dug into the plate, the last meal of freedom.

**Sorry it's a little short. The next chapter will be too because I wanted there to be just one chapter of Clare being dropped off at Garden Springs. I'm not going to write Clare being in there the whole six weeks; it'll probably just be a chapter or two on little highlights of it. And sorry it took me so long to update. **


	23. Locked up

Before I knew it, we were pulling into the Garden Springs parking lot. From the outside, I could already tell it was going to be like a prison. The building just looked…boring, dull. Mom and dad pulled in behind Morty and we all got out of our cars, Eli rushing around the side to grab my hand. I gripped onto his hand like it was going to save me from going inside that building and not coming out for six weeks.

"Okay, we have all of your bags, let's get you checked in." Dad said and started for the building. Mom followed him and Eli and I reluctantly tagged onto the back. We pushed through the doors and I saw the first sight of my new home: nurses in white, carting around people that looked like zombies.

"No freaking way," I mumbled. Eli gave my hand a reassuring squeeze but it didn't help the twists in my stomach or the brand new nausea that had worked its way into my throat.

"Don't panic, it'll all be okay," Eli whispered into my ear. I closed my eyes and nodded, holding onto those words as the nurse at the front desk had my parents and I sign papers and then led us to my room.

"You get one of the nicer rooms, Miss. Edwards," the nurse smiled as she opened the door. The room was a little smaller then my room at home, with a bed in the corner and a dresser across from it. There was a rocking chair next to a window that looked out onto the highway.

"Nice view," Eli joked. Mom gave him a look that he didn't even seem to notice.

"I'm Nurse Sarah and I hope you enjoy your stay at Garden Springs." She smiled happily and I wanted to kick her in the shin. Enjoy my stay? Yeah, right! The nurse left us alone in my room and mom and dad immediately went into unpacking my stuff while Eli and I just stood there awkwardly. When they were all finished, mom and dad enclosed me in a hug.

"We have to go now," mom said, tears in her eyes. "But we're going to be back to visit as soon as we can."

"This will be good for you, Clare-bear." Dad said before looking between Eli and I. "We'll give you two a minute," We watched as my parents left to room and walked aimlessly down the hall.

"So this is goodbye," Eli said sadly.

"Not for very long," I whispered. I reached forward and pulled him into a hug, my arms wrapping securely around his waist. "I love you."

"I love you too, Clare," he pulled back and leaned down, giving me a long kiss before giving me another hug and walking out the door. "I'll visit you soon!" he called over his shoulder. And just like that, I was alone. Tears filled my eyes and for the thousandth time in a couple of weeks, I was crying. I unpacked my suitcase, filling the small dresser with all of my clothes and belongings. I pulled out a picture of Eli and me and put it on the dresser next to a picture of my parents, Darcy and me the last Christmas we were all a family.

"Miss. Edwards, it's time for your first appointment so you can meet your doctor." A nurse said, knocking on the door as she came into the room.

"What's my doctors' name again?" I asked.

"Doctor Carlson; she's a very nice person. You're going to love her." The nurse said.

"Okay, if you say so…." I mumbled before following her into the hallway.

"Come on in," a loud voice said after the nurse knocked on an office door. We walked into the office which was brightly decorated and had a lot of windows, letting the afternoon sun in. "Oh, you must be Miss. Clare Edwards!"

"Yes, it's nice to meet you," I gave her a small smile before sitting down in a giant chair across from her. The nurse that brought me here walked out of the room.

"I'm Dr. Carlson. I understand you're here for drug and alcohol addiction. Would it be okay if I asked what led you to this?"

"I, um, a couple months ago I was raped by a kid at my school and then my boyfriend broke up with me after he found me with another guy. After the rape, I became a whole other person. I drank and used drugs for no reason and I cheated on a really nice guy that was with me through the whole thing. We're back together now but what I did was really wrong and I'm not sure if he'll ever fully forgive me for it." I rambled.

"Oh, I see. Has this boy told you he has fully forgiven you?"

"No, not yet, but I know Eli. He will." I said and Dr. Carlson nodded.

"It seems that we're going to have a lot to talk about during your stay."

**I know it took me awhile to update again but I was busy. I was away my whole spring break with my friends at Great Wolf Lodge for her sweet 16 and then I had my first indoor colorguard performance and we found out the theme for our 2011 out door show so I've been really busy! Sorry! I hope you like this chapter and you like the whole story. Thanks to everyone that has read and left comments and added this to your favorite story list =)**


	24. Face to face

_Three weeks later:_

"Good morning, Helen." I said to one of the cafeteria ladies, waving as I picked up my breakfast of an apple, eggs, bacon and orange juice. I passed by the tables and sat with the usual group in the middle of the room. Julie, a recovering self harmer; Maxie, a sexaholic; Lizzie, an ex-druggie and Samantha; a recovering bulimic and anorexic girl.

"Morning, ladies," I smiled, digging into my eggs.

"Good morning Clare," they all said before turning back to Sammy.

"You've been sitting and staring at those eggs for twenty minutes, Sam." Maxie said warily. I sighed. This was an on going thing. Sammy would be doing great with the eating and then she would plummet back into the darkness of her own mind, telling herself she was getting too fat and that she should stop eating.

"I'm just not hungry this morning," Samantha tried to cover up and everyone groaned. "What?"

"Before we got her, you said you couldn't wait to eat breakfast and then we passed John in the hallway and he called you tubby and that all changed. You _know _you aren't fat, Samantha. John is just toying with you. You have to eat!" Julie yelled.

"But I've gained ten pounds this week…" Sam tried but everyone shot her an evil glance.

"That's good that you've gained weight!" I exclaimed and she rolled her eyes.

"No it isn't. I'm going to get too fat to fit into prom dresses and then my boyfriend will dump me." She went on.

"You won't be going to prom if you don't get your act together and stop acting like this." Lizzie said, glaring at Samantha. Sam finally picked up her fork and started hacking at her pancakes, stuffing them into her mouth and sighing.

"Mhm, so good!" she sighed against the food in her mouth. We all laughed and I looked around the table. It was pretty much the same thing every morning. These girls had become my friends and I was happy that I had found people to hang out with. We had another girl in the group, Ashley, but she finally got sent home so now there was just an empty chair where she used to sit.

When we all finished breakfast, everyone pushed into the entertainment room, Samantha and Maxie sitting on the couch to read People or whatever gossip magazine I was and Lizzie, Julie and I went to play air hockey. I watched as they pushed the slim puck back and forth to each other, concentrating hard as it sped back and forth, trying to not let it in the their goal. It went on for awhile with no goals but finally a little buzzer sounded.

"Woo, I got a point!" Julie yelped. Everyone looked over at her and sighed before returning to what they were doing. Julie was the real competitive type. While she still went to school, she was apart of every sport in school. Finally, the pressure got to her to be the prefect athlete and student so she started cutting which affected her game play more because the cuts made her legs and arms hurt. I looked at the long scars on her arms, where she had tried to cut open major veins and kill herself. Her older brother found her and called 911 immediately and they saved her life. I met him last visiting day and he was a really nice kid. She hated him at the time that he saved her but she realizes now that it was for the best and that she needed help instead of killing herself.

Lizzie was a whole other story. Her brother was the one who got her into trouble. He came home from college with his girlfriend and they let Lizzie hang out with them, not telling Lizzie that all they liked to do was get high and drink. So, she wanted to look cool and not like a loser so she started drinking and doing drugs, continuing after her brother and his girlfriend left. She got pretty deep, doing meth with her boyfriend and his friends. She never overdosed but her younger sister came home from school on a half day to find Lizzie having sex with her boyfriend and his best friend with a pile of meth on the table and bottles of vodka. Her sister was in ninth grade at the time and called Lizzie's mom, freaking out. Lizzie's mom came home to find them doing the meth and immediately called Lizzie into the institution.

I felt bad for her because she just got news a month ago that her boyfriend overdosed on acid. If Eli died, I don't know what I would do. I was snapped out of my thoughts when a nurse came over to us.

"Clare, you have a visitor." She smiled. I knew who it was and practically skipped to the visitor room. When I got to the door though, it wasn't who I was expecting. The person that was sitting in the room made chills run down my spine and my heart fling into my throat. The person sitting in the room was...

"Fitz," I whispered and went to turn around but Dr. Carlson was standing behind me. "What is he doing here?"

"You've been here half of your stay and we need to start the process of your discharge from the facility. We brought Mark in here to help you get over your fear." She explained.

"But he's supposed to be in _jail._" I said.

"We got him a special leave day to come here and talk. He's improved much, Clare and he realizes that what he did was very, very wrong. He's also getting therapy." Dr. Carlson said, giving me a gentle push towards the door. I gulped and opened it, stepping inside and taking the seat across from Fitz.

"Hi, Clare," he said.

"Hello, Fitz," I replied. There was an awkward silence in the room. I could tell that Dr. Carlson was right outside the door in case anything went wrong.

"How are you?" he asked. I let out a small laugh at the obviously stupid question.

"Oh, I'm just great. In the last couple of months I've been raped, my parents were divorced, I overdosed on drugs and I've been sent to rehab and daily therapy. How about you? How's prison?" I asked.

"I would have only been sent to juvie if you hadn't told them about what happened. I'm not blaming you; I know what I did was wrong but I sit in my cell every day and I can't believe I'm actually where I am. I ask myself 'Wow, bud, you really fucked up. Look where you landed yourself.' My mom was heartbroken, my dad just screamed and yelled and my sister pretends not to know me and hasn't been to visit. Can't say I blame them." Fitz rambled.

"If you know what you did was wrong, then why did you do it?" I begged. I needed an actual reason for what he did, what he took away.

"I was drunk and I really liked you and at the time, I didn't see anything wrong with it because I convinced myself that you liked me too because you left the party with me and I…" Fitz trailed off. I was shaking my head.

"You can explain all you want but I'm never going to understand or forgive you." I replied before standing and walking past Dr. Carlson and to my room, slamming the door closed. I didn't eat dinner that night and I stayed in my room until the next morning when it was time for therapy before breakfast.

"I see the meeting with Fitz didn't go very well." She said as I sat down. I shook my head.

"I don't see how that was supposed to help. I mean, I get the reasoning for it but I just…" I trialed off.

"We just though it would be a good way to come to terms with what has happened." Dr. Carlson said.

"I've already come to terms! That doesn't mean I need to see him every day and become his friend. I'd be ecstatic if I never had to see him again." I said.

"We haven't, in your three weeks here, talked about your feelings about Fitz. But, from what I can gather, it would seem that you hate him." Dr. Carlson said.

"Usually, I don't tell people I hate them or think that I hate people but I can honestly say I hate Mark Fitzgerald."


	25. Welcome home

Today was the day. I was getting the hell out of here. Mom and dad agreed that Eli could pick me up and then after my party, I was staying at Eli's house.

"Are you sure you're ready? I know therapy has brought up some stuff, especially them bringing Fitz in…" Eli had asked. I pitched the idea a week before on visiting day.

"Therapy has helped me move on. Sure, I'm still a little but scared but I love you and I _want _to do this." I had replied, taking his hands in mine.

"If you change your mind…"

"You'll be the first to know." I smiled. Now, I was saying good-bye to everyone before walking towards the front door. The hallway seemed to go on forever but I finally reached the door and pushed it open. The bright sunlight was blinding but I finally adjusted and scanned the parking lot. My eyes set on the hearse, with Eli resting on the hood, his eyes closed and his hands behind his head. When the door slammed shut, his eyes snapped open and found me on the steps. He sat up and slid off the hood, walking towards me as I ran down the steps. I dropped my bags and raced into his arms, squealing with happiness as he spun me around in circles. I pulled my head from his shoulder and pressed my lips to his. This was the first time we kissed since I got here, which was going to make tonight so much better.

"Mhm, I missed that." I whispered.

"I missed _you_!" Eli laughed.

"I missed you too! I've been counting down the days till I could do this…" I trailed off, kissing Eli deeply. Eli pulled away and reached down for my bags.

"We better get going, your parents are expecting us." He said, throwing my bags in the back of Morty and walking around to open my door for me.

"Are they excited to see me?" I asked, jokingly.

"I'm sure they are. I know I was." Eli winked and started the engine. The sound of Deadhand bursting through the speakers was the most wonderful sound to my ears. There was never a lot of sound in Garden Springs and I missed not being able to hear myself think because the music was so loud. We drove home talking about how everyone was; Adam and Fiona were dating, Drew and Bianca hooking up since Dean and her broke up and Sav and Holly J were still the super couple.

"Ah, here we are." Eli said, pulling the hearse into my driveway.

"Wow, I can't believe I'm _home._" I sighed, opening my door and following Eli up the front walk. I turned the knob, opening the door and walked into the living room.

It was empty and dark.

"Where is everyone?" I asked. Eli shrugged, walking into the kitchen. I followed and was blinded by a burst of light and noise.

"Surprise!" voices screamed and I let out a squeal. I looked around the kitchen, seeing mom, and dad, Adam, Fiona, Alli and Dean.

"Oh my god, you guys! I actually _wasn't _expecting this!" I laughed, opening my arms for mom and dad to give me a hug.

"I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention to you at the party." Alli whispered when I gave her a hug and I shrugged.

"It wasn't your job. I don't blame you." I replied.

"Hey, Clare, I missed you a lot." Dean smiled and gripped me in a death hug.

"I'm sorry about Bianca." I said.

"I'm not," he laughed. "It wouldn't have lasted anyways. She can't commit to one guy."

"Um, Clare," Mom interrupted. "Your father and I have a surprise for you."

"What is it?" I asked, secretly hoping they'd say they got back together.

"Well, a person is outback waiting for you so why don't you head on out there. The burgers are almost ready anyways and we'll all be right out." Dad said.

"Okay…?" I was seriously confused. I walked over to the backdoor, sliding it open and flicking on the light.

"Hey, Clare." A voice said and my heart flew into my throat.

"Darcy?" I asked in surprise. Sure enough, my sister was sitting in a chair, smiling. "Oh my god, you're here!"

"I know, I know! Mom called me and told me every thing that was going on a I just knew that I had to come home!" she said, standing and wrapping her arms around me. I couldn't believe it…I was standing here, hugging my sister.

"I can't believe you're home. When do you go back?" I asked, disappointment seeping through my voice. I knew that she wasn't staying.

"Here's the thing, Clare. I'm staying! I'm going to go to a local college so I can stay here with you and mom. Isn't that great?" Darcy squealed. I was so excited, I started jumping up and down. Darcy was staying!

"This is great. I can't believe this." I smiled.

"So tonight, you and I are going to have some _serious_ girl time. I mean, I've been gone a long time and I need to be caught up on what's going on. I know that everyone from my class graduated but there has to be something you know, right?" Darcy rambled.

"I know a lot but I won't be home tonight." I said slowly. Darcy gave me a questioning look and I sighed. "I'm going over Eli's house after everyone leaves." I answered her silent question. Her eyes widened.

"Are you sure you're ready for that?" she asked.

"Well, therapy has helped and I'm not a virgin so…" I shrugged.

"Clare, after I was raped I still told myself I was a virgin because it wasn't what I wanted. You can do the same thing." Darcy said, taking my hand in hers.

"Okay, did mom not tell you everything?" I asked. I went into the story of how I met Dean after throwing myself at Eli and we took on a 'friends with benefits' relationship. "Yeah, I was pretty messed up."

"Well you're better now and at least you'll be with a boy that loves you. You love each other, right?" Darcy asked. I nodded. "Then everything will be fine." Just then, everyone came outside for the food and we all sat around the big table on our deck. I sat between Eli and Darcy, both of them immediately starting up a conversation and trying to get to know the other. Everyone ate and talked and eventually, mom and dad went to eat inside so all of us kids could have some alone time to talk.

"So, Clare, how was the loony bin?" Dean smirked. I threw a chip at him and scowled.

"It actually wasn't that bad. Well, my therapist was annoying but I made friends and stuff. The only time I actually _hated _it was when they brought Fitz in from jail to visit." I rolled my eyes.

"Are they allowed to do that?" Alli asked.

"Apparently," Eli answered. He never liked the idea that Fitz had come to see me while I was in Garden Springs.

"Well you're free and Fitz is still locked up so cheers!" Fiona replied and everyone knocked there plastic cups against each others. After we finished eating and had some dessert, everyone started leaving. After Adam and Fiona left, I ran upstairs to grab some stuff for Eli's. When I came back downstairs, my parents were waiting by the door. I suddenly got scared. They knew I was going staying Eli's but they didn't know I was _staying. _Like, they thought it was me sleeping on the couch and Eli locked into his room.

"We want you home by eleven tomorrow because we're going to have a girls day; just you, me and Darcy." Mom said and I smiled.

"That sounds great. Dad, I'll see you next time you come over?" I asked. Dad nodded and gave me a big hug.

"I'm happy you're home and well, Clarebear." He said and then let go, following my mom into the kitchen to clean up.

"Bye, I love you!" I called over my shoulder and followed Eli out the door. We got into Morty and I sighed.

"You sure you want to do this?" Eli asked again.

"Eli, how many times do I have to tell you this? I love you and I want to be with you. So can we go to your house now?" I laughed. Eli let out a laugh too as he started Morty and pulled out of the driveway, speeding towards his house.

**I probably could have fit more into this chapter but the truth is I want to stretch it out because I don't want to story to end! **


	26. I want you

When we got to Eli's house, we sat in the car a couple minutes after Eli killed the engine.

"So…" we both said. I let out a nervous laugh. I knew if we swat here in silence any longer, Eli was going to question whether I really wanted to do this. I was done convincing him that I was. I grabbed my bag and flung the car door open, marching up the walk way to the door. I noticed Eli's parents weren't home and a small bit of nerves fluttered in my stomach. I wasn't second guessing my choice but I guess the fact that his parents weren't home made it real. Eli was suddenly behind me, kissing my neck as he unlocked the door. We stepped into the dark house and headed towards the kitchen.

"Want anything to drink?" Eli asked.

"A glass of soda would be good." I replied, taking a seat at the table. Eli put a glass of Pepsi in front of me and I gulped it down, suddenly thirsty. The speed I drank it at burnt my throat and fizz made its way up my nose. Eli smirked as I coughed from drinking the soda too fast.

"So, um…ready to go…upstairs?" Eli asked. I nodded and smiled at him, grabbing my bag and sprinting towards the staircase. I heard Eli's footsteps behind me and then an arm was around my waist, causing me to squeal. I burst into Eli's room and my mouth hung open. First of all, it was completely clean. He had obviously finished his room while we were broken up.

"Wow, you finished your room." I commented.

"Yeah, it took awhile but it all worked out….thanks to you." Eli said. The next thing I noticed was that the room was covered in rose petals and lit candles.

"This is gorgeous." I whispered.

"I want it to be perfect." Eli replied quietly. I dropped my bag near the door and turned towards him, standing on my toes to kiss him. I wrapped my arms around his neck as Eli deepened the kiss as we fell back on the bed.

I woke up to the sound of music blaring from the kitchen. I looked around for a clock and saw that it was eleven o' clock in the morning. I sat up, reaching for Eli's tee-shirt on the floor and slipping it on before getting up and pushing back the British flag covering Eli's window. The sun burst through the window and I was momentarily blinded. I let the flag fall back over the window and made my way downstairs, seeing Eli in the kitchen with a mess around him, trying to make pancakes and bacon. He dropped a new piece of bacon into the pan and jumped back as hot oil burst out of the pan, hitting his arm.

"Shit, fucking bacon!" he yelled as he waved his arm around. I snuck up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist.

"Want me to kiss it better?" I asked. Eli turned and put his arms around me.

"If you want," he replied. I grabbed his hand and planted a kiss on it.

"Better?" I asked. He nodded and turned back around to flip the pancakes. "That smells so good."

"I hope you're starving because I'm making enough to feed ten people." Eli laughed.

"I'll eat for five, you eat for five. I could eat for all ten but I guess you should get some food, too." I joked before letting go of Eli and walking to the backdoor. The house didn't have much of a yard but when I stepped outside, the sun hit my face and it was the perfect spring weather. I stepped back inside and smiled at Eli. "We should go on a picnic!"

"Do I look like a guy that does picnics?" Eli asked in disbelief. I pouted and Eli sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Okay, okay, fine. We'll have a bacon and pancake picnic. I already made it so it's not like I'm wasting it!" Eli said. I let out a squeal and hugged Eli as he placed the pancakes on a plate. "You're lucky I love you or I'd say 'fuck no'."

"You could never say no to me." I laughed. We made our way upstairs to get dressed and ready to go to the park. Somehow, we ended up on his bed making out. Eli reached for the hem of the shirt I had on and I smacked his hand away. "No, we have to get dressed!"

"I prefer to get undressed." Eli smirked. I shook my head.

"Nope, you aren't getting out of this, Mr." I said, standing up and sliding my jeans on and raising the shirt to get my bra on. "Mind if I wear your shirt?"

"Nope, it looks good on you." Eli said and slipped a tee shirt and jeans on. "By the way, last night was…"

"Yeah, it was." I finished for him, blushing several shades of red.

"Any chance of a-" Eli started but I laughed.

"Go downstairs and pack up the food. I'll get everything else." Eli left the room and I searched around before finding a black and red striped blanket and putting under my arm before grabbing my phone and Eli's iPod off of the nightstand. I skipped down the stairs to find Eli hauling a bag of food from the kitchen.

"Ready to go?" he asked. I nodded and we made our way outside hand in hand.

"Wow, these pancakes are fabulous!" I said, my voice muffled from the large amount of pancakes in my mouth. Eli nibbled on a piece of bacon.

"I can make food…there's just the occasional burning of the food.

"Eli, you burnt a bowl of macaroni and cheese into black mush. You turned pop tarts into ash!" I laughed.

"The macaroni thing was a one time thing. The pop tarts thing is just common. I forget they're in there." He replied, holding his hands up. I took a sip of the bottled chocolate milk we brought and shook my head.

"You've burnt food more times then I can count." Eli rolled his eyes and took a giant mouthful of pancakes to avoid replying. The park was crowded, the playground jam packed and all the niches full. Eli and I sat in the middle of the park on the blanket, enjoying our breakfast while Eli's iPod playing loud enough for people nearby to five dirty looks. Eli had wanted to make it louder but I knew someone would smash the iPod if we did. When we were finished eating our food, we packed up and decided we'd go for a walk somewhere before I had to be home.

We reached Morty and placed the stuff inside before Eli swung around and kissed me, pushing me inside Morty.

"Eli, I thought we were going to walk somewhere!" I giggled. Eli answered by tugging his shirt off and closing Morty's trunk. "Really, in the back of Morty?"

"What can I say? I want you." Eli said before leaning down to kiss me.


	27. 11 years later

**So I'm sad to say, this is the last chapter of this story. It breaks my heart to end it because, even though the story is twisted, it was so much fun to write. I have an idea for a Gossip Girl story but I'm not posting anything until I have a decent amount written so that I know if it will work out. Thanks to everyone who read this story and posted comments or even just added it to their favorites list. I really appreciate it and I'm going to be honest, it kind of boosted my confidence =)**

_11 years later:_

"Charlotte and Damon, if you don't hurry up, you're going to be late for school!" I called up the stairs. I heard the pitter patter of little feet running down the hallway and then watched as Damon and Charlotte sprinted down the stairs. I handed them a bagel wrapped in tin foil for the bus ride and gave them each a kiss on the cheek.

"Say good-bye to your father." I said, pushing them towards the kitchen. They ran into the kitchen, each giving their father a hug.

"Bye, daddy!" they said.

"Have a good day at school," Eli called after them. I watched as they boarded the bus and waved as it rode off.

Charlotte and Damon were seven year old twins. Damon had Eli's black hair and my blue eyes, Charlotte had Eli's green eyes and my dirty blonde hair. They were both on the tall side (no idea where they got that from) and were as close as any brother and sister. At first, I wasn't sure about having twins. I panicked but Eli told me it would be great and it has been. I fell in love with them as soon as I saw (despite the grueling thirty hour labor).

"They're adorable, aren't they?" Eli said, coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around me.

"The cutest," I agreed.

"We should do it again…" Eli hinted. I sighed.

"Oh, Eli, and I always thought I'd be the one begging for kids." I giggled. Eli gave me a look and I shook my head. "Of course I want more kids, Eli. Just…not right now." Eli nodded and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

We've come a long way in these past eleven years. We finished high school at Degrassi and while I completed senior year, Eli took a year off. We both went away to school in New York and now we live there with our family. I'm a therapist in the city and Eli works for a comic book company, editing and helping with new ideas. We visit home often because our parents still live there.

Darcy moved to the west coast of the United States after finding out that Spinner and Emma were married. Apparently, she was still hooked on him even though she was dating Peter when she left for Africa.

We never talked to Fitz again, even though I ran into him sometimes senior year. The school made it so that we weren't in the same classes, not even the same lunch. I wasn't sure why they even let him back into the school; he should have been expelled. My parents fought against him but the school said that they couldn't turn away from a student when he needed to learn; even if he served time in prison and raped another student.

The kids didn't know anything about what Fitz did to me. I knew that I would have to tell them one day. It wasn't something I could keep from them forever but they were too young to understand. They would ask questions that I couldn't answer because they were so young and innocent, they didn't know anything about what I did that year. It would all lead into a vicious circle of questions I knew I wasn't ready to go into with my children.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard Eli curse.

"Shit, I have to get to work. We're working on a new comic book and they need me in early to work on the layout." Eli said, rushing into the kitchen to grab his bag and leather jacket. "What time is dinner tonight?"

"Hamburgers at Five Guys around five thirty? I can grab the kids and we can meet you there." I suggested. Eli beamed and nodded and headed for the door.

"See you later, babe!" he called behind him.

"Wait," I said, running over to him and grabbing his arm.

"Did I forget something?" he asked but I simply leaned up and kissed him with all my might. I felt Eli smile and he wrapped his arms around me. I pulled away and smirked.

"I love you, Mr. Goldsworthy," I said.

"Love you too, Mrs. Goldsworthy," he answered and left, closing the door behind him, leaving me with the same butterflies I've had for eleven years.


End file.
